Tasteless Jokes 29

Yet Another Minority Offended...
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ...

"Go get your mother."

8,463rd Talking Dog Joke
A man walks into a bar with his dog and puts the dog on a barstool.
The bartender asks the man what he wants to drink. "I'll have a bourbon and Coke!" The man then turns to his dog and asks, "What are you going to have, Rover?" "I'll have a Scotch and soda -- light on the soda," says Rover.
The bartender is skeptical about the dog talking. "Come on," he says, "that dog can't talk -- you're a ventriloquist!" "No, Rover can really talk! While I am in the restroom, you can have a conversation with him yourself -- but don't let him out of your sight. He is a very valuable dog."
The man goes to the restroom. When he returns, the dog is gone. "Hey, where's my dog? I told you not to let him out of your sight."
"Aw, I didn't believe that Rover could talk, so I gave him a quarter and sent him to the drug store to buy me a paper."
"Let's go look for him," said the man.
The two went to the drugstore -- no Rover. They walked up and down nearby alleys and streets -- no dog. Finally, they found Rover in an alley on top of another dog, pumping away. Pointing his finger at Rover, the man says angrily, "How come you are doing this? You have never done this before!"
"First time I ever had any money!"

Why Computers Are Bisexual

They are masculine because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data bur are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

They are feminine because:
1. No one but their creator understand their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later reprisal.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Sears at Your Service
Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call in an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer and a carpenter.
One afternoon he returned early from work and saw a plumber’s truck in the driveway.
"Lord," he pleaded, looking skyward, "please let her be having an affair."

8,463rd Elephant Joke
What did the elephant say when he saw the naked man?
How do you breathe through that little thing.

8,463rd Offensive Ethnic Joke
A ventriloquist is visiting an Indian chief. He decides to have some fun and says to the chief, "Hey Chief, I see ya got an old hound dog. Mind if I talk to him?"
"Dog no talk!" replies the chief.
"Oh, I’ll bet he does. Hi, buddy, how ya doin?" says the ventriloquist while petting the pooch
"Oh, not bad," says the dog. "Chief feeds me good and I just lay around the teepee."
The chief is amazed! The ventriloquist is having fun so he says, "Hey, Chief, I see you’ve got a horse outside here. Mind if I talk to him?"
"Horse no talk!" replies the Chief.
"Oh, I’ll bet he does. Hi, fella, how ya doin?" says the ventriloquist while rubbing the horse's nose.
"Oh, not bad," says the horse. "Chief stays home a lot anymore. I just hang around eating hay.". Now the Chief is really amazed!
The ventriloquist is enjoying this so he says, "Hey, Chief, I see you’ve got some sheep outside here. Mind if I talk to them?"
"OH, SHEEP LIE! SHEEP LIE!!!" replies the Chief.

Help Wanted
The CIA ran a help wanted ad for new recruits. Three men answered the ad and went to the office for an interview.
After filling out their applications, they were taken one at a time into another room where the interviewer told them, "One of the requirements for joining the CIA is that you have to prove your loyalty to us. We want you to take this gun, go in the other room and shoot your wife."
Startled, the first job seeker replied, "I can’t do that, we just got married!" The interviewer then told him that he was sorry but that he would not receive a job offer.
The second applicant was then taken into the room and given the same proposal, to which he answered "I can’t do that. We have been married 10 years and we have two lovely children!" At that point, he was turned away also.
The last applicant was presented with the ultimatum in the same monotone, to which he replied, "Sure, I’ll do it!" He marched into the other room.
Shots were fired and then noise came from the room as if a brawl were taking place, including loud screams, kicking and thumping. The interviewee returned to the room, where he was asked what had happened.
He said "Some jerk put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle her!"

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