March 15, 2003

The "Dubya Finally Acquires Some Self-knowledge" Event

By this time, the liberal media is frothing about Dubya’s antics, so the Republican Congress gets its act together and passes a bill, which Dubya immediately signs, which states that newspapers in any city with a population of more than 7 million and whose initials are "N.Y.C." will be restricted to a staff of two: one editor, and one reporter, both of whom must be vetted by James A. Baker. After the signing and celebration (during which Dick Cheney was heard to remark, "We got those liberal bastards really bigtime, huh, Dubya!"), Dubya, needing to relieve himself, opens the door to the Oval Office Restroom, to reveal one of his and Poppy’s most trusted right-hand men assiduously applying that right hand to an intimate body part of another of his most trusted right-hand men. Dubya stares a couple of beats longer than really necessary. He had no idea that erect penises could be longer than two inches. Dubya goes into shock, has a heart attack and dies on the spot. Dick Cheney rushes over and attempts CPR, the over-exertion causing himhim to have a heart attack, and he dies on the spot. At which point Tom DeLay becomes President and you’ll have to use your own imagination to figure out what happens next.