1. San Francisco.
Inhabitants of San Francisco, like inhabitants of Iceland, are insufferable. You can
understand why the inhabitants of Iceland are insufferable. If you lived on a piece of
rock in the North Atlantic a thousand miles from civilization, you’d be insufferable.
Inhabitants of San Francisco, however, occupy one of the world's great natural harbors.
You’d think they’d be gracious hosts filled with easy-going noblesse oblige. In
any encounter with a San Franciscan, you the visitor going in have two strikes against
you: 1) you are not from San Francisco, 2) you have chosen to further crowd the already
overcrowded, charming little peninsula by visiting. The natives apparently work on the
assumption that any price-gouging of such persons is justifiable.
2. New Orleans.
Once, before the tsunami of Internet pornography, going to New Orleans had a certain
frisson of naughtiness about it. Sightings of the occasional bared intimate body part late
at night in the streets of the French Quarter were thrillingly routine. Even staged
exchanges of body fluids could be witnessed in the more down-and-dirty bars. Now, though,
New Orleans has all the spontaneous lasciviousness of Pirates of the Caribbean at
Disneyland. The only reason the savvy international traveler might justifiably decide to
go to New Orleans is St. Charles Avenue, still one of the great, unspoiled residential
streets of the world.
3. All states that have an "x" in their name.
The one exception here is New Mexico. Unfortunately, none of the folks back home have
heard of New Mexico, so even though it is one of the most wondrous of American states,
you’ll be wasting time and video footage by visiting. The less said about all other
states with an "x" in their name, the better.
4. American football.
You have of course seen it many times on global TV. The only thing you will learn by
paying exorbitant prices to attend a real game is how boring the game is without 25
different camera angles and instant replay plus commercials to fill the endless cessations
of action.
5. Walking.
Except in New York City, Americans do not walk. Since in this Mecca of Late Capitalism
anyone with a minimum wage job can get credit approval to buy at least an E-class
Mercedes, police (outside of New York City) look with suspicion on all pedestrians. If you
are walking, it is assumed that you belong to that omnipresent underclass known as
"homeless persons." If you venture out on foot and are accosted by the police,
the best you can hope for is an involuntary overnight visit to the nearest Salvation Army
shelter, no matter what your passport says.
