Part 3. Essential Do’s and Don’t’s
for the Savvy International Traveler in America

1. Restroom hygiene. See Introduction.

2. Road rage. In certain large American cities, police estimate that over half of vehicles contain a concealed gun. Thus, no matter how imbecilic the behavior of American drivers, the international visitor is better off ignoring all provocation and going on his or her peaceable way.

3. Tipping. In this crown-of-creation society where everyone except those persons whose last name is Bush has an equal shot at poverty, many service personnel work for minimum wage (or less), plus tips. As long as you don’t make a big show of it, generosity in tipping is a good thing in America, and will, besides that, do a lot toward getting you into whatever heaven your native culture promises.

4. Language. In the United States, you either speak English or you will be considered a) illegal, b) subversive, or c) a terrorist. Even if you speak English with perfect grammar, if you have the least hint of an accent, you will be considered suspect. Only by staying in the best hotels, where seamless hypocrisy is the rule, will you escape opprobrium. Yes, you will be surrounded by Republicans, but they are well-practiced in hiding their hatred of the Other, as long as the Other occasionally flashes a platinum Amex card.

5. Religion. Many Americans consider the United States not merely a religious country but in fact a Christian one. The international visitor is well-advised to avoid any discussion of possible weak points or flaws in this belief. As with persons 2,000 years ago who knew the world was flat, there’s no talking about it, because they are right and you are WRONG.

6. City vs. Rural. For all that, when you get away from American cities—far, far away, the international visitor will no doubt be delighted to find, often, an extraordinary tolerance, a live-and-let-live attitude, that appears to come from the shared problems of life on the frontier. The visitor won’t find it everywhere in the countryside (think Matthew Shepard or James Byrd), but this tolerance, combined with an unquestioning, even eager, hospitality, is still there in the American outback. Our last bit of advice for the tourist then is this: If you just can’t take the capitalist contradictions so visible on every corner of the cities, leave. Get out in the country. AWAY FROM the Interstate highways, which are after all only long thin extensions of the cities. There, on the edge of wilderness, you may find, still, hints of the Lost American Paradise.

Part 4. Must-avoid's: Things the Savvy International Traveler
Is Better off Not Doing in America > >

Back to Tourist Introduction

Back to Magellan's Log 27

Magellan's Log front page

Send this page to a friend.