No tourist site so famous that it has become a cliché
is worth more than one day.

This indispensable rule of travel applies, of course, not only to America but to the world.

Oh, sure, maybe at one time, the Louvre was worth a week, the Forbidden City was worth three days, Macchu Picchu was worth a long weekend. But no more. Because at any major tourist site nowadays you will have the distinct impression that you have mysteriously returned to your home country. No matter what your nationality is, when you go to the Grand Canyon, say, you will be SURROUNDED by persons speaking YOUR LANGUAGE.Why are these mobs there, blocking the view? Because they, like you, know that when they return home their friends and loved ones will feel slighted and disappointed if they are not forced to endure an hour of shaky blurry video of these great sights.

The only way for the sensitive international visitor to deal with this mess and retain a shard of sanity is by deciding to devote NO MORE THAN ONE DAY to each of the tourist clichés.

How do you do this? It’s actually pretty simple:

1. New York City.
Arrive early A.M. at any of the area airports. It doesn’t matter which. They are peas in a pod: all noisy, dirty, and puritanically smoke-free. Take shuttle into Manhattan. Ride subway to 42nd Street. Hastily go to street level. Spend 2 minutes taking video of Times Square to prove that you were there. Return to subway. Proceed to Wall Street. Take elevator to top of World Trade Center. Do not loiter. Walk briskly once around. Take videos. Return to street level. Take cab to Staten Island Ferry. Take ferry to Statue of Liberty. Do NOT waste time climbing to the top. Take videos from ferry and ride it back to Manhattan. Take subway north to 53rd Street. Exit and walk briskly on West 53rd to the Museum of Modern Art. Step inside and make a brief but noisy row about why "Guernica" is no longer there. Exit MOMA and return on 53rd to 5th Ave. Proceed northward. Peek in briefly at Frick Collection, Guggenheim Museum, Whitney Museum. Enter Metropolitan Museum and ask directions to the "Man with the Golden Helmet." Observe painting thoughtfully for 30 seconds. Take flash photo with disposable Fuji camera. Have brief but noisy row with guard. Leave museum, minus camera. If you’ve kept a proper pace, it is now noon. Purchase hotdog and drink from colorful Uzbekistani street vendor. Consume same in cab to Barneys. Purchase several diamond-studded platinum gewgaws for the folks back home. Return to airport of choice and proceed to next must-see destination.

2. Los Angeles.
Arrive early A.M. at LAX. Rent largest available SUV with Global Navigation System (the latter is ESSENTIAL in Los Angeles). Los Angeles is famously spread-out. We have around 1,500 miles to cover today, so prepare to 1) drive fast, and 2) use the Global Navigation System a lot. Enter the word "Disneyland" in GNS and follow instructions (Freeway rule of thumb: If you are not constantly running up on the rear bumper of Toyota Corollas, you are driving too slow). Stop along freeway in Anaheim and take video of the Magic Castle, romantically blurred and purpled by the smog, in the distance. Enter "Universal Studios" in GNS. Gape at impossibly complex driving instructions. Take video of GNS screen to prove to the folks back home that you tried to go to Universal Studios. Re-boot GNS. Enter "Rodeo Drive" in GNS. Follow instructions. On Rodeo Drive, park. De-SUV. Enter any number of stores. Purchase gem-encrusted platinum gewgaws for folks back home. Remount SUV. Enter "Hollywood and Vine" in GNS. Follow instructions. Pause at corner of Hollywood and Vine. Optional attraction here: Male travelers may wish to partake of cheap blowjob from any of the several genders offering their services at this intersection. Enter "Getty Museum" in GNS. Follow instructions, being sure on the way to stop at convenience store to purchase darkest available sunglasses. Pull into Getty parking lot. Don glasses to protect eyes from blinding white exterior of chic museum. Take tram to museum. Marvel at architecture. Cause brief but noisy row by asking "But where is the great art?" Return to SUV. It is now lunchtime. Enter "Spago" in GNS. Follow instructions. During meal, cause ruckus by falling out of chair laughing upon first sip of each California wine served with the various courses. When valet brings SUV, ask if he takes Mastercard. Drive away smartly as his smog-addled mind processes your question. Enter LAX in GNS. Follow instructions. Return SUV and proceed to next must-see destination.

3. Las Vegas/Grand Canyon.
At Las Vegas airport, rent largest Lincoln available with celebrity glass. Proceed to Strip. Double park at New York New York. Have passerby video you in front of fake quarter-scale New York skyline. Have traveling companion photograph passerby videoing you in front of fake New York skyline. Smirk with self-satisfaction at the levels of cultural irony you have achieved, and here it is not even 9 A.M. yet. Proceed to Grand Canyon. Rule One for any visit to Grand Canyon: Leave all photographic and video-recording devices in vehicle. De-Lincoln and stroll about at any of several overlooks, pretending not to understand the language of the thousands of your fellow countrypersons frantically clicking away. Proceed to souvenir shop. Purchase felt wall banner made in sweat shop in your country certifying that you were at Grand Canyon. Return to Las Vegas airport and proceed to next must-see destination.

4. Niagara Falls.
Basically, the Grand Canyon rules also apply to Niagara Falls. The only significant difference is getting there. You either have to fly to Toronto or Detroit. This is a problem, since the only North Americans who willingly fly to Toronto are Canadians, and the only people who willingly fly to Detroit are automotive executives and gangsta rap guys (don’t worry; it’s not you; nobody can tell them apart). There is one other difference. At Grand Canyon, once you get to the edge, though there may be a million polyglots standing beside and around you, the Great Fact, the canyon itself, is THERE, ungraspable and unspoiled as ever. At Niagara Falls, you will find that one of the great natural sights of the world is now completely surrounded by 1) parking lots, 2) honeymoon hotels, and 3) 500-foot viewing towers. Yes, yes, we know. The folks back home expect you to go there, so there’s nothing to do but go, elbow your way through the mob, take a few shots, and be on your way again.