Oligarchy Now!
oligarchy: a government in which a small group exercises control especially for corrupt and selfish purposes. Now that the political direction of the early part of the 3rd millennium is clear, with the ascendancy of the Bush Restoration, it is important for all self-interested parties to be sure that they are in tune with these expedient times. To that end, we provide herewith a check-list to assist you in your skillful adjustment of attitude and lifestyle necessary for prosperity under the new regime. Print this list and carry it with you! Your future success depends on it! Make copies to give to your less enlightened friends! They will thank you! Please note: This is NOT a check-up quiz. This is not a mere "to-do" list. This is a MUST-DO list. We provide only a single blank for each item so that you can tick them off one by one. "Work," as the old hymn has it, "for the night is coming." Oligarchy now! Embrace the night! |
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| ____ | 1. Stop resisting. Delete Netscape from all your computers. Embrace Internet Explorer now! | |
| ____ | 2. Purchase and install Windows XP on all your computers. Embrace Microsoft now! | |
| ____ | 3. Donate all your Macintoshes to the developing country of your choice. Replace them with top-of-the-line Dell's. Let the struggling masses descend further into obsolescence while you embrace Intel now! | |
Environmental Section |
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| ____ | 1. Trade all sedans in your possession in on the largest SUV's you can afford (preferably either Ford Excursions or Lincoln Navigators). Embrace low gas mileage and high pollution now! | |
| ____ | 2. Cancel all subscriptions to the Sierra Club, World Wildlife Fund, etc. Embrace all human activity that rides roughshod over other species now! | |
| ____ | 3. Carry all bicycles to the nearest international border (preferably the southern one) and leave them by the road. Embrace all transportation powered by internal combustion engines now! | |
Political Section |
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| ____ | 1. Vow never to set foot in either an Episcopal, Unitarian, Reformed Jewish, or Buddhist place of worship. Become rather an active participant in your local Southern Baptist franchise. Embrace prejudice now! We love the sinner and hate the sin! | |
| ____ | 2. Cease all contributions to Amnesty International. Join the National Rifle Association. Embrace violence now! | |
| ____ | 3. Enter lifetime subscriptions to the National Review, the Partisan Review, and the Weekly Standard. Offer encouragement to the Washington Times to begin a national program of home delivery. Embrace obfuscation now! | |
| ____ | 4. In your spare time on weekends, go to the mall and start collecting signatures on a petition to demolish the Statue of Liberty and replace it with a sculpture of equal size representing Katherine Harris. Embrace unbridled, unprincipled ambition now! | |
Media Section |
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| ____ | 1. Initiate a neighborhood boycott of all channels except the Fox Network. Embrace extreme bias now! | |
| ____ | 2. Start a letter-writing campaign to Jack Valenti and the Motion Picture Association of America deploring sex in the movies and demanding more blood and gore. Embrace Tom Cruise and Bruce Willis now! | |
| ____ | 3. Make a weekly trip to your local CD store and buy at least 10 hip-hop records to give financial encouragement and moral support to further increase the level of despair in minority communities. Embrace European hegemony now! | |
Education Section |
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| ____ | 1. Petition your school district to require use of McGuffy's Readers in their original, pure 19th century form in all grades-levels. Embrace pedagogical blinders now! | |
| ____ | 2. Start a web site of quotations from Dinesh D'Souza relating to the superiority of the educational wisdom promulgated by think tanks funded only by the wealthiest members of society. Embrace Brobdingnagianism now! | |
| ____ | 3. Submit a book proposal to Free Press for a project to be called "Indentured Servitude: An Idea Whose Time Has Come Again," in which you lay out a plan enabling fast-food chains and other mass-marketers to hire the less-abled and disadvantaged for life at the minimum wage. Embrace neo-slavery now! | |
| END We love to get mail
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128 pages of the best satire
from 6 years of Magellan's Log. Well beyond chortles, Is It
Empire Yet? verges on the downright hilarious. "Swiftian," says
one reader. "Rib-splitting," says another. "Brilliantly, uproariously
offensive to all right-thinking Republicans," says yet another. 128 pp. Paperback.
8.5" x 11". ISBN 0-9767821-3-8. $21.95:
