How Capitalistic Is by Doc Cuddy With the global triumph of Capitalism, it is important that all of us ascertain whether all phases of our lives are properly attuned to the surpassing reality of Free Market Theory. Certainly, religion plays an important role in the life of every True Capitalist. In these hectic days of market fluctuation, sometimes we all run the greater risk of forgetting that each of us has a portfolio in heaven that is at least as important as our earthly portfolio. How long since you've done a thorough critique of your heavenly investment strategy? To
help you in this important task, we have created a brief check list. Simply answer each
question "yes" or "no" and then proceed to the scoring guidelines at
the bottom of the page to determine whether your religion is adequately capitalistic. |
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| ___Yes ____No | 1. Does your religion have a clearly identified, fully empowered CEO? | |
| ___Yes ____No | 2. Does your religion's CEO truly and authentically represent and communicate on earth the full business plan of the Deity? | |
| ___Yes ____No | 3. Is your Deity's business plan widely available and translated into most languages? | |
| ___Yes ____No | 4. Is the celebration of the birth date of your religion's Deity's so widespread now that it is observed even in cultures where your religion has comparatively few outlets? | |
| ___Yes ____No | 5. Does your religion have conveniently located consumer outlets throughout the world? | |
| ___Yes ____No | 6. Is yours a full-service religion, providing all needed consumer assistance from birth to death and, of course, after death? | |
| ___Yes ____No | 7. Are shareholders in your religion not merely passive but financially committed to annual replenishment of the corporate coffers to the tune of AT LEAST 10% per annum? | |
| ___Yes ____No | 8. Do shareholders in your religion receive rewards (eternal life, for example) commensurate with the demands which the religion makes on their time and their pocketbooks? | |
| ___Yes ____No | 9. Does your religion have a logo which is AT LEAST as recognizable as the Nike Swoosh? | |
| ___Yes ____No | 10. There are now hundreds of satellite transponders orbiting the earth, each of which is capable of beaming some 500 channels downward. Does your religion have AT LEAST five channels on those satellites broadcasting pertinent corporate news to shareholders 24/7? | |
| ___Yes ____No | 11. Does your religion advertise clearly and unambiguously that it is not merely the best but is in fact the ONLY valid means for gaining entry to Heaven? | |
| ___Yes ____No | 12. Is the top management of your religion sufficiently hard-nosed and competitive in the free market for souls that it is willing to sacrifice a million or two people in a campaign of persuasion known as a "Holy War"? | |
| ___Yes ____No | 13. Does your religion have an active, on-going global campaign to convince market novices that it is in their own best interest to invest in your religion? | |
| ___Yes ____No | 14. In order to have a naturally occurring, exponential increase in shareholders, does your religion actively oppose all forms of birth control? | |
| ___Yes ____No | 15. Does the primary graphic representation of your Deity play directly on any fears which shareholders have regarding suffering and death? | |
| ___Yes ____No | 16. In most reproductions of that primary graphic representation of your Deity, is blood visible? | |
| ___Yes ____No | 17. Are the penalties (eternal damnation, for example) for failure to behave in accord with all intra-corporate regulations of your religion made explicitly and repeatedly clear to all shareholders, from the youngest to the oldest in the most graphic ways possible? | |
| ___Yes ____No | 18. Does your religion give reciprocal support, both above board and sub rosa, to any form of government which allows your religion to function as it wishes? | |
| ___Yes ____No | 19. Does your religion require that the offspring of all shareholders become shareholders as well? | |
| ___Yes ____No | 20. Does your religion require that all managers show outward and visible signs of commitment (celibacy, for example) to the corporation? | |
SCORING Give yourself 5 points for each "yes" answer, 0 points for each "no". 90-100: Your soul, along with those of your spouse and your children, has excellent prospects for an eternal, and happy, life in heaven. 80-85: While you are clearly on the right metaphysical path, there may be some areas of activity that you need to re-think. For example, many otherwise thoughtful religious shareholders forget that even seemingly attractive secular causes (the Sierra Club, for example) are actually only thinly disguised atheist-front organizations. 70-75: It is perfectly all right to own two (or more) SUV's, but this borderline score indicates that you may be subjecting yourself to input from infectious and inaccurate data sources (the New York Times, for example). "As a man thinketh, so is he." You might try getting into the habit of reading the NRA newsletter not just once when it comes but carrying it with you and re-reading it daily throughout the month. < 70: Whatever church you are attending, stop at once. It is no church at all but obviously a hotbed of doubt, confusion, and social- conscience. Your own soul, along with those of your loved ones, is in danger. Write immediately to the Republican National Committee and ask for guidance. Their pamphlet entitled, "Greed Unchained: The Way, the Truth, and the Light According to Adam Smith, Milton Friedman, and Alan Greenspan," will give your some good pointers.
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128 pages of the best satire
from 6 years of Magellan's Log. Well beyond chortles, Is It
Empire Yet? verges on the downright hilarious. "Swiftian," says
one reader. "Rib-splitting," says another. "Brilliantly, uproariously
offensive to all right-thinking Republicans," says yet another. 128 pp. Paperback.
8.5" x 11". ISBN 0-9767821-3-8. $21.95: