Anna-Magdalena Petrofina-Blavatsky,
Staff Psychic,
Answers YOUR Questions

After only two appearances in our pages, Mme. Anna-Magdalena Petrofina-Blavatsky, staff psychic, has turned out to be one of the biggest duds we've published. Apparently our readers are less than greatly impressed by Mme Petrofina-Blavatsky's etheric communiqués. Nonetheless, a few emails to her attention have drifted in. Since, after the rigorous screening process involved in recruiting her, we signed her to an iron-clad five-year contract, we sort of have to pass on to her whatever misguided missives come our way. Herewith, the latest batch (let the reader beware).
                                                                       --Doc Cuddy

Beach Property Problems
Dear Mme Petrofina-Blavatsky,
Having had the good fortune to sell my 50 million shares of wedontgiveafuck.com just before the NASDAQ bubble burst, I found myself with quite bit of ready cash. Among other baubles, I acquired a townhouse in Key West and a rather sizeable beach house near Corona del Mar. Contemplating both oceans for a while now, I have come to realize that the two properties are most likely somewhat vulnerable should any of several global-warming scenarios play out. I'd be grateful to know what Akashic vibes you're picking up re sea-level, tsunami's, the general future stability of the various continental plates.
                                                      --Nervous in Newport Beach.

Dear NNP,
Do you want the bad news first, or the good? The good news has little to do with you and your ill-considered real estate transactions but I feel karmically bound to pass it on for the benefit of my farther-sighted readers; the good news: BUY SIBERIAN BEACHFRONT PROPERTY NOW! What we think of as lissome tropical climes will soon be unbearably hot hell-holes. THE FUTURE IS IN IRKUTSK! The bad news is that, instead of investing in short-lived American coastal properties, you should've bought Rand-McNally stock because let me tell you bubbalah, our cartographer friends are going to be busy-busy-busy starting in about 2020, churning out new maps as the old continental outlines disappear. Still, as I wandered the higher planes seeking knowledge, I found few Enlightened Beings (EB's) with much sympathy for your ilk, NNB. "Anybody who got rich off the byte-bubble deserves whatever they get" is the general message I get from the EB's.
                                                      --APB

Problems in Paris
Dear Anna-Magdalena,
(I hope it's OK to address you so informally; it's just that I feel that you and I have known each other intimately in past lives-- I get especially strong feelings re Thebes, do you know what I mean?) I am a healthy and not unattractive Frenchwoman in my early thirties. After much searching and considerable experimentation, I have still not be able to locate my life-partner. Lately, though, I have I feel made progress. In dating a series of most lascivious Arabs, I have discovered that I am strongly eroticized by the mere thought of the missing part of their bodies (I think you know what I mean) and have lately begin to lurk about hospital waste disposal areas [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED].
                                                      --Preputial Pin-up in Paris.

Dear PPP,
This is the most disgusting inquiry I have ever received. I refuse to be a party to this kind of interstitial static, if you get my metaphysical drift. [Aside to my editors: If you guys can't come up with better material than this, I mean, questions more suited to the ethereal realms I frequent when out-of-body, I may just have to break my iron-clad contract with you and suspend all further 7th Plane Communications. And by the way, in your note introducing me to your readers, lo, so many issues ago, you appear to have confused the Petrofina-Blavatsky's of Cartagena with the Petronas-Blavatsky's of Kuala Lumpur-- a not uncommon mistake (I'm always getting mail intended for Anna-Maria Petronas-Blavatsky), but I did expect better of the Magellan's Log fact-checking department.]
                                                      --APB

Unfortunate Florida Fixation
Dear Mme Petrofina-Blavatsky,
During the electoral brouhaha in the United States, I repeatedly had a most unexpected, startling, but still quite delightful experience: every time Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris appeared on my television to deliver herself of another of her oracular statements, I experienced-- within 30 seconds-- the most vibrant, all-consuming, earth-moving spontaneous orgasm. The first time this happened I had the misfortune to be watching TV in the waiting room of my dentist's office, an environment where one expects perhaps to hear distant screams of pain, but certainly not the muffled moans and writhings to which I found myself subjected. The other three persons in the room, being good Chinese, of course pretended that it was perfectly normal as I literally slid from my chair and sat exhausted in a small pool of secretia on the lime-green carpet. Would you please check at the highest levels available to you to see what kind of psychic connection I have with Ms. Harris? I am most anxious, as you can well imagine, to get in closer contact with her.
                                                      --Horny in Hong Kong

Dear HHK,
I have checked with several highly placed EB's, and you are out of luck. The spiritual line of which "Katherine Harris" is the most recent incarnation has had, it turns out, a most remarkable evolution. Ms. Harris's earliest karmic antecedent was an abused paramecium in a tidal pool near the mouth of the Ganges, ca. 40,000 B.C. So unhappy was that paramecium that, by sheer force of genetic will, it imprinted a parthenogenic ability deep, deep, deep, on its DNA. This singular reproductive ability has been handed down intact through any number of rather bizarre life forms, reaching its culmination in the present-day "Katherine Harris." What this means, HHK, is that no matter how much of a turn-on Ms. Harris may be for you, she is totally, wholly 100% focused ONLY ON HERSELF. Better luck next incarnation.
                                                      --APB

Readers who, in spite of all this, may wish to contact Mme Petrofina-Blavatsky with their questions can do so by clicking here.

Less perverse readers who simply can't get enough of her unique advice can find her earlier columns here and here.

END

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