Laws of the Universe
(Updated for the New Millennium)
by Jerden
Purmort
I. Pre-millennial Laws,
also known as "Classical" or "Fundamental" Laws of Human
Existence
Every major culture in world history has derived these well-known
laws in one form or another, as they are timeless and, indeed, truly universal.
1. Murphy’s Law
If anything can go wrong, it will, and at the worst possible moment.
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2. O’Toole’s Commentary on Murphy’s Law
Murphy was an optimist.
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3. Openface Peanut Butter Sandwich Law
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
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4. The Wait’ll Next Year Law
The championship success of professional sports teams varies directly with their distance
from your city of residence.
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4. The New Heisenberg Principle (so-named in reference to the original Heisenberg
Principle, which applied to particles)
By choosing a line at the supermarket, post office, etc., and getting at the end of it,
you instantly cause it to move more slowly than all other available lines.
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II. Post-millennial Laws
Also Known as "Information Age" or "Digital Paradise" Laws
As we have turned the old calendar corner and are now headed in the
home stretch for the Information Age Paradise, certain new laws are becoming evident.
While the following formulations may in some cases be refined and perhaps even restated in
the coming decades, there is little doubt as to their eternal veracity.
1. The Hyundai Law
The cost of repairs needed by your car in a given month varies inversely with the combined
available room on your credit cards.
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2. The Frank E. Gehrey Law of Architectural Design
The more urgent your need to micturate or defecate, the greater the distance to the
nearest restroom.
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3. The Ford Explorer Law of Night Blindness
If you drive a sedan, the vehicle immediately behind you at night will always be an SUV.
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4. The Cheryl Teigs Law
The last pair of available pantyhose always has a run.
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5. The Charles Atlas Law
Any condom supplied by your partner will always be at least one size too large.
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6. The Chevrolet Suburban Law
Penis size varies inversely with vehicle size.
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7. The Gen X Law
In any shared job assignment at work, your partner will be a Republican admirer
of Bill Gates who hangs at Starbucks, admires Tom Brokow’s intellectual acuity, and
secretly owns 10 shares of Ben and Jerry’s because it makes him/her feel
environmentally concerned.
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8. The American Express Law of Extended Travel
Seatmates on all trans-oceanic flights, if you are on the aisle, will display chronic
prostate problems, or, if you are not on the aisle, will be compulsively logorrheic.
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9. The Pixel Perplex Law
The level of social conscience in individuals varies inversely with the size of their
computer monitors.
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10. The Michael Crichton Law of Lower Culture
The century immediately following the change of millennia will always display a marked
cultural vacuity (compare 1-99 C.E., 1001-1099 C.E.).
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11. The Dick Principle
In a digital age, at their second job, employees are hired at their level of incompetence.
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12. The Mp3 Law
Intellectual property right conflicts are litigated only to the degree that mega-
corporations profit therefrom.
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13. The Microsoft Law
Hubris varies directly with the global concentration of wealth.
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14. The Bill Gates Law
The size of your penis varies inversely with the amount of RAM in your computer.
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15. The Napster Law
The level of political sophistication varies inversely with the number of mp3 files on
your hard drive.
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16. The Dubya Law of Campaigning and Governance Part 1
One’s attractiveness to the mass of voters varies directly with the amount of DNA one
shares with rich former presidents.
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17. The Dubya Law of Campaigning and Governance Part 2
Successful governance (where "successful" is defined as "of greatest
benefit to the wealthiest 1% of the population") arises from total reliance on old
pals of the patriarchal bearer of ½ of one’s DNA.
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18. The Hillary Clinton Law of Campaigning and Governance
One’s political viability varies directly with one’s ability to tolerate
marriage to unprincipled but rhetorically gifted S.O.B.’s.
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