Tasteless Jokes 19

Over the Speed Limit
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheel.

Now she says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and is soon doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband keeps driving faster and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge railing, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the bridge at 90 mph, "The airbag."


Just a Bashful Kind of Guy
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday to have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist talks to the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be quite busy.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."


Johnny Again
One day in school Johnny's teacher is teaching the class math. She had asked every child a question except Johnny (knowing that Johnny turns everything into sex). Finally the teacher asks, "Johnny if there are three birds on a wire and you shoot one off, how many birds are left on the wire?"

Johnny responds, "None."

The teacher asks how he figured that?

He replies, "Because if I shoot one the others will fly away."

The teacher responds, "The correct answer is two, but I like the way you think."

Then Johnny asks the teacher a question. "If there are three ladies eating ice cream, one licking her cone, one eating her cone and one sucking her cone, Which one is married?"

The teacher sighs and says the one sucking her cone.

Johnny looks at her puzzled and says, " No. The one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."


The Good Old Days
This young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often he should have it. His grandfather told him when you first get married you want it all the time and maybe do it several times a day. Later on,sex tapers off and you have it maybe once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh,we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to my bedroom and she yells, FUCK YOU, and I holler back, FUCK YOU TOO!!!!!"


Laundry Problems
Because they had a 5-year-old son, a young couple communicated cryptically with each other when feeling romantically inclined: "Let's go wash clothes" meant "Let's go make love now!"

One late afternoon, the father called the son. "Son," he said with urgency, "go tell your mom I want to wash clothes." The son ran to the kitchen where the mother was preparing dinner. "Mom," he said with full innocence, "dad said to tell you he wants to wash clothes..."

The mother was busy. "Go tell your dad," she commanded the son, "I cannot wash clothes now. The washing machine is broken."

After dinner, the mom called the son. "Son," she whispered softly, "go tell your dad to come wash clothes now..."

The son ran to the dad. "Dad," he said, "mom said to go wash clothes now."

"Now she tells me!" the dad said. "Go tell your mom I already washed the clothes by hand!"

Bumperstickers

Back off. I'm a postal worker.

I have nothing against God.
It's his followers that I can't stand.

If guns are outlawed, only outlaws
will accidentally shoot their children.

My karma ran over your dogma.

FORGET ABOUT WORLD PEACE.
VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL.

Honk if you hate noise pollution.

Learn from your parent's mistakes.
Use birth control.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

I didn't work my way to the top
of the food chain to eat vegetables.

Grow your own dope.
Plant a man.

My kid had sex with your honor student.

All generalizations are false.

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