Tasteless Jokes 17

Environmental Problems
A woman from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded " What took you so long?" and he replied "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."


Prophylaxis
Although he always ordered just ham and eggs every day, one customer at the diner always studied the menu carefully each day before ordering.

One day his regular waitress decided to see if he could be made to order anything else. Before giving him the menu she marked out the ham and eggs entry.

After waiting a few minutes she asked, "Did you notice, sir, that I scratched something that you like?"

Without looking up from the menu, he replied, "So go wash your hands and bring me some ham and eggs."


Truth in Sarcasm
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right..."


From the Mouths of Cyber-babes
A newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it’s raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that.

She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?"

The kid says, "How should I know? I’m only 6."


Baptist Piety
A Baptist missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him. "Oh Lord," prayed the missionary, "Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking behind is a good Christian lion." His prayers were answered...

In the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too:

"Oh Lord," he prayed, "I thank Thee for the food which I am about to receive."


Maternal Piety
A family was having dinner on Mother’s Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.

"Nothing," said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what’s wrong?"

"Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, you don’t even tell me so much as "Thank you."

"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father’s Day gift."

"Yes," she said, "but I’m their real mother."


Caution
Maxine, the platinum blonde, reported for her final examination which consisted of Yes/No answers.

She took her seat in the examination hall, stared at the question paper, and then in a bit of inspiration, took a quarter out of her purse. She started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for heads and "No" for tails.

Within 30 minutes she was all done whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out. During the last few minutes of the exam period, Maxine frantically started flipping the coin again.

The moderator, concerned about what she was doing, stopped by her desk and asked if she was OK.

"Oh yes, I’m fine. I finished the exam a half hour ago—but," explaining the frantic coin tossing, "I’m checking my answers!"


Pythagoras Revisited
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hides. A few days later, the second wife gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hides.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two-story teepee made out of hippopotamus skin.

The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It’s elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."


Golf Hazard
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat. The doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," says the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

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