S.U.V. Driving Test
by Pedkop Bumbera

Thinking about buying an S.U.V.? Many S.U.V. buyers are unaware that an S.U.V. is NOT a car. It is a truck with a car-like interior. An S.U.V. does NOT drive like a car. It drives like a truck, because that's what it is. Stopping distance is 30 to 50 percent longer than that of a car; acceleration is 30 to 50 percent slower than that of a car; and cornering behavior is more like that of an 18-wheeler.

Well-developed car-driving skills do NOT translate directly to driving a truck. We've prepared a quickie driving quiz to help you check on your potential as an S.U.V. / truck driver. We set out to create a multiple-choice test. As we got into, we realized that one effect of S.U.V. ownership is that the vehicle limits your choices rather severely. This could be a reflection of the fact that, whereas YOU drive a car, in reality an S.U.V. drives YOU. Thus, sadly, our multiple-choice test became a mono-choice test.

1. S.U.V. Turning Etiquette. You are at a red light in the left turn lane. You realize you need to make a RIGHT turn. What should you do?

a. Put your S.U.V. in reverse, check the mirrors, back up smartly until you hear the CRASH when you hit the front bumper of the Corolla you couldn't see behind you in your mirrors. Ignore Corolla. Move to right-turn lane and proceed as if nothing had happened.

2. S.U.V. Freeway Etiquette. You are going 70 in Lane 2 on the freeway in your S.U.V. You realize you are about to miss your exit. What should you do?

a. Check your mirrors, then steer smartly toward the exit lane. Ignore sounds of screeching tires as the Mazda that was in your huge S.U.V. blind spot cuts sharply to avoid being hit by you and spins three times across all four lanes of the freeway. Proceed placidly down your deftly chosen exit ramp.

3. S.U.V. U-turn Etiquette. Once again, you are at a red light in the left turn lane in your S.U.V. You are chatting with your broker on your cell phone, discussing the day's 400-point drop on NASDAQ. Your broker wants you to come in immediately for an emergency consultation. You realize this calls for a U-turn. The green arrow comes on. You start your U-turn, only to discover that the wheelbase of your S.U.V. is such that you cannot complete the U-turn. You in fact run up against the curb. What should you do?

a. Calmly continue your conversation with your broker, making whatever notes are necessary in your Palm. Ignore the traffic build-up around you (you are after all blocking all lanes on one side of the street). When your conversation is finished, hang up. Blow your "truck" horn several times in a friendly manner just to let everyone know you're not upset by all THEIR horn-blowing and obscene gesturing. Jockey your S.U.V. back and forth several times until you are able to complete the U-turn. Proceed placidly to your broker's office.

4. S.U.V. Gas Station Etiquette. Your S.U.V. is low on gas. You pull into a station, only to discover that you have no cash and you left your wallet at home. What should you do?

a. You observe that on the other side of the pump, an ethnic party in a rusted '68 LTD has gone off to the restroom while the automatic cut-off nozzle fills the LTD's tank. You remove said nozzle, transfer it to your gas tank filler, wait patiently as 60 dollars' worth of gas goes into your tank, mutter a prayer of thanks that the LTD driver apparently is suffering from constipation (the poor we shall always have with us), replace nozzle in LTD, go placidly on your way.

5. S.U.V. Parking Etiquette, Part 1. From experience you have learned that the generous length of your S.U.V. requires 1.5 parking places. You are at the medical center to visit your broker, who is recovering from a mild cardiac infarction. Since most parking garages have height restrictions which prevent entry by tall vehicles such as yours, you must park on the street.  You find one empty spot. In front of the empty spot is a Honda Civic. In front of the Honda Civic is a second empty spot. What should you do?

a. Turn gracefully into the empty spot behind the Civic. With the front bumper of your S.U.V., make contact with the Civic. Switch to 4-wheel drive and nudge the Civic forward (ignore any metallic sounds coming from the friction between your high bumper and the trunk lid of the Civic) until the Civic occupies the forward-most empty space. Proceed to park placidly in the double space you have just created. Be sure to remember to feed BOTH parking meters, though you may wish to leave a note for the meter maid complaining about the inadequate size of the city's parking places.

6. S.U.V. Parking Etiquette, Part 2. At the mall, you pull into a head-in parking space. You find you are tightly wedged between a Lexus on your left and a Taurus on your right. You are able to open your door only a couple of inches. What is the proper S.U.V. response to this arrogant, thoughtless parking behavior on the part of lowly car drivers and parkers?

a. S.U.V. doors, since they are actually truck doors, not car doors, are quite sturdy and very, very heavy (you may already know this if a child of yours has had an arm get in the way as your S.U.V. door closed; you recall how the doctor marveled at such a clean, perfect compound fracture). Pull your door almost closed, but don't let it latch. Recline across your luxurious, dinosaur-foreskin-covered front captain's chairs, so that your feet are against your not-quite-shut door. Kick smartly against your door. Repeat several times as necessary, until you have created a dent in the Lexus large enough to allow your door to open to its normal, generous sweep. De-S.U.V. and proceed into the mall.

7. S.U.V. Night-driving Etiquette. It is night on the interstate. An imbecilic car driver approaches from the rear with his high beams on. He takes his time, but finally passes you. You observe he is driving a tiny Toyota Echo. He settles back into your lane a few car lengths ahead. What should you do?

a. Accelerate smartly and position yourself approximately one-foot behind the Echo's rear bumper. As the backward glances of terror from the occupant(s) of the Echo increase in frequency and intensity, switch your high beams on. Just when the Echo thinks the worst has happened, flip on your (optional at extra cost) 1,000,000-candlepower driving lights. Hold this position until the Echo exits the interstate.

8. S.U.V. Deluge Etiquette. Following a heavy thunderstorm, the street on which you're driving is under water in places. How should you approach these pools of unknown depth?

a. No matter what the commercials say about S.U.V. luxury, the vehicle you're driving is a T-R-U-C-K. Which means you need fear no downpour short of a repeat of the biblical 40-days-40-nights. If the basic rule of successfully exploitative corporate management is "Never let 'em see you sweat," then the basic rule of driving an S.U.V. in flood conditions is "Never let 'em see you slow down." That your wake may drown out the engine of an occasional nearby Neon or drench an occasional pedestrian is no concern to you. You worked long and hard to attain your lofty driving position. Consideration of the needs of other, lesser creatures is not one of the qualities that got you into your ostrich-embryo-skin-lined captain's chair.

END

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