As long as you hang out in nerd or geek habitats, you’re fine. Maybe a little bored by now, but you know the terrain, the jargon, the pecking order, and have no cause to fear unexpected social embarrassment.

Still, something inside you hungers for a taste of the larger world, where the past is longer than the last 24 hours and is treasured for lives and artifacts which transcend cyber-reality.

You start GOING OUT, to openings, receptions, galas, parties, and are horrified to discover that you, shining star of the Internet firmament, when you move into the larger world, are about as scintillating and relevant as last month’s TV Guide.

Potential embarrassment lurks around every canapé, a faux pas hides under every tray of sushi. You are alarmed to find that your words, which in your own tiny world cause programmers to go slack-jawed with admiration and set investment advisors to clicking away furiously on their laptops, these same words in the larger world produce waves of yawns, acres of glazed-over eyes, and send even the nicest people scurrying off for a drink refill.

Magellan’s Log to the rescue!

Below you will find 15 brief quotations. Memorize them. Now. Today. Don’t put it off. Don’t ask why. Just do it.

Please bear in mind these are time-tested, high-level epigrams. They are truly pro-quality bons mots.

After you have memorized the quotations, scroll down to our explanation concerning their use. You will see that these few little words are capable of not only rescuing you from social embarrassment but that they also have the power to give you entrée to the very highest levels of intellectual and social standing.

The Solution

Usage
You may be thinking, "That’s all well and good. But how do I know when to drop one of these gems into a conversation? It seems I’m in even greater danger of making a fool of myself. Don’t I have to know something more about the related subject matter?"

The answer to that question is an unequivocal "Yes and no." Our little treasury lends itself to use in two ways.

First is what we may call the "One-upmanship Method." Here, you do have to listen for key words in the flow of conversation.

This is easier than you might think, because 99% of social chatter involves only three subjects: 1. Money, 2. Sex, and 3. Power (which is actually some combination of Money + Sex). All you have to do is listen for any words related to either money or sex. At the first lull, you gesture offhandedly, perhaps arch an eyebrow, and say, "Well, after all, ‘life is something that happens when you can’t get to sleep.’" Or, "’The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.’"

You will notice that your remark has two immediate effects: 1. It brings the conversation to a halt, because you have interjected a bit of truth into a situation where truth is a stranger; and 2. Everyone will look at you with new respect, because you have demonstrated your bemused patience with their verbal inanity.

The second method for using these potent epigrams we may call the "Non Sequitur Method."

If you make a little experiment and try to follow the track of social converse closely, you will discover that it proceeds in a wholly illogical manner. While all remarks revolve around sex or money or some combination of the two, there is almost no logical connection between a remark by one person and the response by the next. Which is wonderful news for you.

What this means is, contrary to the advice above in the "One-upmanship Method," you really don’t need to pay attention at all. You, after all, are the center of the universe. So, when your boredom level reaches intolerability, just open your mouth and let one of these pearls bounce out onto your host’s black marble floor.