Misadventures
in English:
No. 1 in a Series

Several Magellan's Log staffers have in the past worked as ESL (English as a Second Language) teachers. In a recent staff meeting as we were brain-storming for story ideas, it came out that some of these former teachers had kept certain treasured student performances. Herewith the first in a series of reports from the far edge of English usage.

Editor's Note: To make these essays more easily readable, we have corrected numerous spelling mistakes and have changed punctuation where necessary. We changed no words. The sentences stand as the students wrote them. To avoid invasion of privacy, we have not indicated the nationality or the last name of the authors.

Shirk

By Robert

Hi. My name Robert. That my American name. I student in American English class. Today teacher tell us, today vocabulary day please to write essay about one word. Teacher he write word on board. He write big SHIRK. Teacher say, use dictionary, find word SHIRK, write essay 300 word. This my essay, I like it my essay so much and you please to like it it so hard write this English I have so many sweats on this writing.

Shirk strange word, very. Why? My language no have s. My language also no have h, i, r, k. Little joke, you see? Because my language have other alphabet. So all English word very, very fucking strange unusual for me no shit.

And then my teacher write big SHIRK on board, please to excuse, I say that one time more all ready all right. And then teacher he say, now Robert (heart go fast now, I alway nervous when teacher say Robert) you spell for class.

I look on this board long so long time and at the end I say H so loud (teacher like loud). All the student they laughing. Teacher he come put hand on shoulder (sometime I think maybe teacher queer fag he like touch that ok I happy suck cock if get me green card I never suck cock my country but me I never suck cunt also my country but this America everybody American suck cock and cunt all day I think that what I read in restroom) and teacher say spell again Robert. This time I think, I not in my home country, I in America, I new person, new person name Robert. Now it go so:

Robert happy American boy say so so loud loud S!!! Teacher big smile. Robert say H!!! More big teacher smile. Robert say I!!! R!!! K!!! Teacher so happy I think he cum in pants maybe. I so happy face red.

I know I get good score with class this day because I make stupid and give teacher so good reason for touch me. Maybe I soon get green card.

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