Wusser Britches Visits the Vet

Douglas Milburn

It was the best of days. Wusser Britches lay atop pillows on the living room couch, which gave her a sweeping view of the front yard. Bright sunlight, shade under the trees and shrubs around which she spied the occasional squirrel. Perfect, except now and then a blue jay with its impossibly tedious screech swooped past Wusser Britches’s window. Determined not to let anything upset her contentment, she ignored the foolish birds and emitted a brief purr for the benefit of any passing human.

It was also the worst of days, or was about to be, though Wusser Britches didn’t know it yet.

Halfway through her blissful morning, she heard a human approaching. PLOP went something set down on the couch. Uh-oh. She knew without looking around what it was: the dreaded cat carrier. SWISH! Up she went in human arms and was fed instantly into that tiny wire-and-plastic cage.

Yuk. So much for perfect days.

CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP. Off they went through the house, out the back, and into the car.

Wusser Britches wasn’t sure where they were going but no trip in the cat carrier had ever ended well.

Still, nothing to do except hunker down and wait, and Wusser Britches prided herself on her ability at hunkering down and waiting. So she did, ignoring the dreadful sounds and bumps of the car ride.

At length they stopped and she was hoisted out CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP into a building she recognized by the maddening combination of smells: half cat (which wasn’t OK but was tolerable) and half dog (which was completely unacceptable).

KERTHUMP. Her cage was plopped down on a counter as if she were a mere thing and not an important person. Annoyed, she listened to humans speaking, then came more walking and another KERTHUMP.

Then hands opened the carrier and pulled her out onto a gleaming white, slick table.

It was too much but Wusser Britches was determined to remain her own self. She crouched, silent, eyes slitted, and waited.

A door opened. Footsteps. Hands covered with plastic (double yuk) grasped her and held her down with unnecessary firmness.

More human talk then out of the blue a very sharp object penetrated her left rear shank. Penetrated and stayed.

Enough was enough.

In a nanosecond Wusser Britches extended all four limbs and thereby levitated herself straight up a good two feet while at the same time producing a shriek louder than anything she knew she had in her.

As she dropped back to the table top, many hands settled on her and the sharp object was withdrawn.

That withdrawal having been her goal, Wusser Britches hissed with satisfaction and hunkered down to see what would happen next.

Which turned out to be nothing of interest to her. More human talk, back in the carrier, back in the car, and finally back home, where she was not so much removed from the carrier as dumped out of it onto the couch with two of the few words she understood: "BAD KITTY!"

Au contraire, thought Wusser Britches as she reviewed the events and actions of her trip to the vet. "Au contraire. I believe I have been the best possible of kitties in this highly questionable world," she said to herself and climbed onto her favorite pillow to await the next squirrel-sighting.

Wusser Britches Catches a Mouse>>

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