Wusser Britches Takes a Vacation
Douglas Milburn
One morning, Wusser Britches’s humans were awakened very early
by the loud sound of the TV in the den downstairs suddenly coming on. As the weather
forecast for, first, North Dakota and then Africa filled the house, everybody jumped out
of bed and ran to the den.
Yes, the TV was on. Very loud. But how had it come on? No one had any idea.
Wusser Britches’ humans decided to stay up since they were now wide awake, and have
breakfast. As they were digging into a big pile of pancakes, they heard a huge crash from
the living room.
Up they sprang and rushed to the living room. All was quiet and normal the smallest human
said, "Uh-oh."
On the floor by the fireplace was Mrs. Large Human’s favorite vase, a large, colorful
object she had picked up last year in Cancun. "Oh," said Mrs. Large Human,
because the vase was now in a thousand very small pieces. Broom and dustpan were fetched
and it was goodbye vase.
Back at the breakfast table, discussion centered on what had happened. Maybe the vase had
been too near the edge of the mantel and a gust from the A/C had blown it over.
Everyone was just getting up when what sounded like the footsteps of a giant were heard
coming down the stairs: KA-LUMPH, KA-LUMPH, KA-LUMPH.
Off they ran to the hall where, at the bottom of the stairs, still rolling around a
little, was the large, heavy weight ball that both Mr. and Mrs. Large Human used for
exercise.
"Well, my goodness," said Mr. Large Human. "Isn’t that
something?" Clearly, what they had heard was not a giant but the weight ball bouncing
down the stairs. But what had set it in motion?
More discussion ensued, but this time nobody had an explanation. No one noticed Wusser
Britches lurking in a shadow at the top of the stairs.
Being naively dense in the manner of most humans, Wusser Britches’s family
didn’t realize that she had decided to take a vacation. Though Wusser Britches made
it look easy, the constant, day-in day-out job of being Wusser Britches was after all a
job. No matter how good she was at it, it was still work. And all workers, especially the
highly gifted, need an occasional break.
And today was Wusser Britches’s vacation day. No more lying about quietly in
incredibly decorative poses. No more graceful bouts of quiet grooming. No more trips up
and down the stairs accomplished with a silent elan beyond the grasp of the most talented
downhill skiers.
When she woke up that morning she had first pounced with gleeful abandon on the TV remote
control. Then the gentlest of nudges against a vast that had always partly blocked her
view out a favorite window. A bit later came the delighted push with her nose of the
exercise ball in the upstairs hall.
What next, thought Wusser Britches as her humans tried to resume their breakfast. Ah. Run,
hop, nudge-nudge, and the phone in the upstairs bedroom fell off its cradle. As Wusser
Britches made herself scarce, a loud squawking BUZZ BLEEP SQUAWK filled the house most
satisfactorily.
Wusser Britches had never realized how tiring vacations were. Though feeling a nap coming
on, she wanted just one more bit of recreation. While her humans were galomphing upstairs
to see what was wrong with the phone, Wusser Britches slithered downstairs. In the den,
with one glance to calculate distance and jump speed, Wusser Britches in one perfect leap
landed in the middle of the computer keyboard. A few seconds of delicate prancing quickly
produced a gratifying series of flashing screens as insistent and irritating sounds never
heard before by cat ears flew from the speakers.
Fulfilled, relaxed if exhausted from her vacation, Wusser Britches happily returned to her
full-time job and posed drowsily in the sun on the top cushion of the living room couch as
her humans in the distance tumbled back down the stairs to see what had gone wrong with
yet another of their beloved possessions.
END
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