Wusser Britches Goes Outside
Douglas Milburn
The day that Wusser Britches climbed a tree started like any other,
and she certainly had no idea of the excitement that was about to invade her calm and
contented life.
She had spent a good part of the night looking through the big glass patio door, waiting
for her friend, the garden frog. He often liked to sit on the other side of the glass, so
that they could spend hours staring at each other. But this night he had not put in an
appearance.
After her usual breakfast of the crunchy stuff that humans think cats like and a salmon
treat dessert, Wusser Britches was about to head upstairs for a morning nap, when one of
her larger humans came galomphing down the stairs, made loud, unpleasant human noises to
another of her humans in the kitchen, and went out the back door.
Now, you have to understand that Wusser Britches was in her heart of hearts a house cat.
The mere thought of "outside" was enough to start her on a long and furious
grooming session. She had some faint memories, maybe from kittenhood, of having been
outside. But she and all her humans understood that, for Wusser Britches, inside was good,
outside was bad.
This particular day, when this particular human went out, he left the back door just
slightly ajar. Wusser Britches eyed the opening with her usual apparent indifference. But
in her heart she was torn. On the one hand, there was "outside" just waiting for
her, with all its hugeness and unknown things. On the other hand, there was Wusser
Britches’s built-in—and very powerful—curiosity. Who knew what wonderful
adventures awaited if she just…
So, without further thought, she did. Lickety-split and she was OUTSIDE. On the patio.
Alone, her departing human having disappeared to wherever humans go when they go out the
back door.
Hmmm. Wusser Britches stopped and considered her options. No creatures of any size were
visible. Various smells came to her, one or two of which might be worth tracking down.
Why bother? Because over in one corner of the patio was a tree, a very large, very tall
tree, whose top Wusser Britches often admired from her perch in an upstairs window.
She eyed the tree. And with a feeling of pure ecstasy, she yielded to another, very
powerful inner urge. Namely, to c-l-i-m-b.
And climb she did. To the very top of the tree. And then way out on one of the highest,
flimsiest branches.
Suddenly, to her surprise, she was not afraid even though she was outside. Not at all.
Because in her deepest self she knew she belonged way up here, motionless, looking down on
the world.
Happier than she had been in a long time, Wusser Britches settled in for a long stay.
Human hours must have passed, and she must have dozed off, because when she was awakened
by a lot of strange noises, she first noticed that the sun was in a different part of the
sky. She started to stretch and then remembered where she was. If she stretched she would
lose her grip on the branch and it was a long way to the ground. So she just looked
around. And down.
Several of her humans were down there, plus several more large humans she didn’t
recognize, wearing strange clothes and big, sort of sloping hats.
Next thing she knew, the strange humans had brought a ladder onto the patio and were
propping it against the tree. Soon, here was a strange human climbing the ladder and
winding up eye-to-eye with Wusser Britches at the very top of the very tall tree.
Against her better judgment—but she was most definitely not happy at this intrusion
on her territory, she hissed.
The human, who was wearing thick gloves, ignored her warning and most impolitely grabbed
her and proceeded to carry her down the ladder.
Wusser Britches was one miffed kitty. But what could she do?
The strange human took her in the back door and set her on the floor, where her own humans
crowded around her and let loose with all kinds of human noises and far more petting and
stroking than Wusser Britches was interested in at the moment.
The strange humans left, but the noises and stroking continued. Wusser Britches gave one
emphatic swish of her tail, and strode with maximum nonchalance to her food area. Ignoring
her water, she gave the crunchy food one haughty sniff, lapped up the few remaining drops
of salmon oil, and headed for the stairs.
Being at the top of the tree had been fun. But lying on her window sill looking out at it
was far better. There was the air conditioning for one thing. Best of all was the
wonderful sheet of glass separating her from the many confusing unknowns of the Great
Outside. Wholly contented, Wusser Britches closed her eyes and dreamed wondrous dreams of
very tall trees.
Wusser
Britches Makes a Friend >>
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