The man goes up to hit first. He swings and sends the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad, now hold the club as firmly as you hold your wife's breasts."

The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"

Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husband’s penis." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.

The golf pro says, "Not bad. Now try taking the club out of your mouth."

Out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn, "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the unholy abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches the wipers on, knocking Dracula about, but he holds on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water from the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he holds on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Uh... show him your cross?" says Sister Helen.

Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasms.

Q: What's the definition of the perfect male lover?
A: He makes love until 2 a.m. then turns into chocolate.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set which she didn’t want to ruin, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These damn Girls’ Nights Out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at Fire Station No. 7. Well never forget you!'"

The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she came by the five dollars.

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat in the tree."

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties?"

"Oooohhhh" said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars.

The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is..."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"And what does that tell you?" Holmes calmly continued.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a moment, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. It tells me someone's stolen our fucking tent."