Just as Bierce's hadean viewpoint was not exactly what self-righteous religionists would have expected from his title, so too with our antipodean dictionary. If you're looking for sweetness and light, get thee to your nearest Barnes and Noble.

The Devil's Dictionary
(Abridged)

by Ceci Lumley

Ahimsa:
the renunciation and avoidance of violence.


Blasphemy:
1. the act of publicly or privately praising one’s own piety, sanctity, or goodness, or that of others, including well- and little-known religious figures.
2. The act of publicly or privately judging that any person not of your faith is a lesser person. 2. public or private "conversations" with "God".


Circumcision:
unexamined attempt to transfer one’s own pain to a helpless newborn or adolescent.


Faith:
public or private camouflage of doubt; believing one’s own lies to oneself (the lies may be self-generated or may come from unexamined acceptance of oral or written statements of others).


God:
Popular masculine deity. One never speaks of his genitalia. Apparently his long white beard is sufficient to confirm his gender, which is otherwise easily identifiable by his frequent outbursts of violence (q.v.).


Heretic:
any person whom you condemn for not sharing your "faith" (q.v.).


Holy:
conducive to worship. Ex.: the intent to "worship" (q.v.) is sufficient to make a place holy.


Hymn:
a song in praise of worship, holiness, or sainthood.


Hypocrite:
one who believes, either silently or loudly, he/she knows how best others should worship.
Ex. 1: The Jesus of organized religion is a pure hypocrite; chances are, the historical Jesus was extremely unhypocritical.
Ex. 2: The author of what you are reading.


Meditation:
the simultaneous cessation of the search for truth and the holding of opinions.


Piety:
the stunned, humbling awareness of the infinite richness of the visible world, the unknowable vastness of the invisible world, and the unnameable which lies beyond their unity.


Religion:
the practice of worship. Ex.: You get religion by doing religion.


Resurrection:
a primitivist faith in the ultimate reality of the physical world, and simultaneously an unexamined expression of fear of the invisible world.


Sacrilege:
the use of a place of worship for the collecting of money or for acts of blasphemy.


Saint:
any person who enrolls in the most difficult school of all, that where one learns to think and act selflessly.


Salvation:
a doctrine based on the belief that one’s own faith (q.v.) is superior to all others.


Scripture:
any writing in praise of worship, holiness, or sainthood.


Sin:
1. the failure, through an act of commission or omission, to pay attention.
2. The use of violence, or advocacy of the use of violence.


Violence:
interference.


Worship:
contemplation without judgment. See meditation.

Illus: Gérard David, Annunciation.

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