Preliminary design for new Baghdad mosque (see below).

A Modest Solution

by Douglas Milburn

           In 1729, Jonathan Swift published his brilliant, simple solution to one of the
           intractable problems of his time, the Irish Famine, called "A Modest Proposal."
           Because he was Jonathan Swift, everybody thought he was kidding. We don’t
           think he was. Please bear that in mind as you read our solution to the Iraq
           Problem.

Watching the nightly news, people of a certain age have to keep looking at the calendar to make sure it’s not 1967. There are the same suits and uniforms from the Vietnam decade mouthing the same pieties about planting Freedom and Democracy in a distant land. And even though this time around there are no photographs, we all have imaginations and know full well the reality of an endless stream of flag-draped coffins coming back from that land.

What to do, what to do.

Some of today’s suits, who fancy themselves wise ("elder statesmen") have a plan. Well. Jim Bowie had a plan at the Alamo. Whatever their plan, nobody is forecasting anything except more doom and gloom Iraq-wise.

We, sitting way out here on the Internet edge of reality, also have a plan. Breathtaking in its simplicity, our plan guarantees a stable, happy, productive (gotta keep that oil aflowin’!) Iraq far into the future. If the myopic leaders back in ’67 had applied our plan to Vietnam, why, who knows how different the world would be today.

What is our plan?

Simple. We turn Iraq into the 51st state.

Wait, wait. Hear us out before you go off to more pointless worrying.

Here’s how it would work.

Several things would have to be done more or less simultaneously, but one thing good old Yankee ingenuity is a master of is complex planning:

First, Congress takes care of whatever constitutional legalities are necessary. Maybe Iraq is declared to be a commonwealth (ą la Puerto Rico) for a couple of years before enjoying the privileges of full statehood. Our skilled legislators can work the details out quickly and effectively, and of course we can count on not a peep of protest or resistance from our present-day Supreme Court.

Then comes the letting of contracts. Here it’s important to keep in mind that we are no longer an occupying force. We are now working to improve the lives of 20 millions new FELLOW CITIZENS. A Wal-Mart in every village, many more Wal-Marts and even a few Super-Centers in the cities. Time-Warner Cable throughout the new state. ExxonMobil Tiger Marts on every corner. McDonalds on every other corner. Starbucks galore. Malls aplenty. And so on.

At the same time, we set Halliburton (sorry, but we’ve gotta go with the folks with experience) to work on the construction of massive "refinement centers" all over Iraq.

Because, you see, while Congress is granting statehood, that august body will also "sentence" every man, woman, and child in Iraq to 20 years of "cultural refinement."

Naturally there will be some resistance, here, abroad, and even perhaps in Iraq.

The skeptical reader should bear in mind that pretty much the same crew is still in place in Washington (and London) that sold us a bill of goods about Iraq in the first place. One is confident that if Karl Rove shifts his attention away from domestic policy and to Iraq, there will only be smooth sailing ahead—especially as long as we still have Tony Blair to elucidate the entire plan with Oxonian mellifluidity.

A few of the more free-thinking Democrats will really be upset (but then, they’re always really upset, aren’t they). Most Democrats and, God knows, ALL the Republicans will love the idea when they realize that nothing would please the folks back home more than to have 20 million new co-citizens, especially when those new co-citizens happen to be sitting on one of the world’s few remaining big pools of oil.

Implementing the plan will also be a whole lot easier than you might at first think. We’ve already got an army of 150,000 there.

What we do is a kind of re-invasion. We go back and start way down south, where we came in from Kuwait in 2003m and we do one village at a time, building the Wal-Marts, the Tiger Marts, the "refinement" camps, move everybody into said camps, etc. Then on to the next village, working our way north. (Meanwhile, of course, the Brits will be busy converting their little fiefdom of Basra.)

Next thing you know, the army is back in Baghdad, with a string of victorious successes (and happy Iraqis) behind it. (You doubt the Iraqis will be happy in the "refinement" camps? Have you ever seen the "camps" that Halliburton builds and furnishes for its oil people in the field? "Luxurious" doesn’t do them justice. No, the "refined" Iraqis will be pleased, we guarantee it. Once they start worshipping in their brand spanking new Gehry-designed mosques (see photo) in the camps, they’ll never want to go back to the old, dusty, uncomfortable facilities that may’ve been great to look arabesque-wise at but were really hard on the knees!)

So. We get to Baghdad and set to work. A city of five million, about the same size as Houston, a town that Halliburton knows well. Say, 20 malls, a couple of Galleria-style mega-malls, a domed soccer stadium seating maybe 150,000, lots and lots of miles of freeway, several stunning new bridges over the Tigris and the Euphrates, etc., etc.

Sure, at first, it’ll be somewhat of a tough slog, given the insurgents and their seemingly endless supply of explosives. But we’re talking a block-by-block operation here. Go into one block, round everybody up, move ‘em out to their new plush quarters in one of the suburban refinement camps, than it’s on to the next block.

Word will spread fast. Pretty soon how many insurgents are going to want to keep on insurging when they could be living in air-conditioned luxury? How many families are going continue to want their children to grow up and commit suicide when they’re safe and sound playing video games, chatting on the Internet, and watching world TV all the time? OK, there may be a bit of complaining about the English-only schools in the camps, but a free laptop with broadband access for every student should take care of that pretty fast.

Any remaining pockets of resistance among the more recalcitrant old-liners can be eased away with covert life-time subscriptions to Playboy.

While everybody’s happily refining their lives in the camps, we set a new army of American entrepreneurs to work repairing and rebuilding the whole country. In 20 years, voilą! A shiny new 51st state!

END

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