Uploaded: 3-30-1893.
Handle: Earless.
Location: South of France.
Title: Exercise with a Big Brush Starry Night.
Visitor Comments:
Hey, Earless! Nice work! I really like how you don't worry a lot about
staying in the lines, dude. I can tell you did it on one of those days when all you had
left was a big tube of blue and a little bit of white and yellow left and the effing paint
store was closed (that happens to me too!). Anyhoo, keep up the good work!
Uploaded: 8-12-1547.
Handle: Hieronymous.
Location: Antwerp.
Working Title: Dreamtime.
Visitor Comments:
Guess what, Hieronymous, I had the very same dream two nights ago!!! I
thought I was crazy till I saw your picture. Wow! Is it O.K. if I look you up next time
I'm in Antwerp. I think we have a lot to talk about!
Uploaded: 11-14-1496.
Handle: Polymath.
Location: Florence.
Working Title: Self-portrait in Drag.
Visitor Comments:
Aren't you just the sweetest thing, Poly! Though I have to say those muted
colors and that modest décolleté are soooo 14th century! I'd be happy to offer my
services as fashion advisor. You don't know what hip is if you haven't hung out at the
bars Constantinople!
Uploaded: 10-01-1938.
Handle: Horny P.P..
Location: Paris.
Title: Guernica.
Visitor Comments:
Uh, I'm sorry, Horny, there's no polite way to put this, but I think you
need to go back to art school. For, like, ten years. You call that a bull? And that thing
in the middle is a horse? And the people, Horny, my, my. I've seen better drawings of
people on restrooms walls. As for your palette, well, don't give me any "starving
artist" crap. If you can't afford tubes of color, why paint, huh???
Uploaded: 7-19-1597.
Handle: Big Dick.
Location: Rome.
Title: Rough Trade (No. 17 in a series).
Visitor Comments:
Hot, hot, hot! I was going to say I'm surprised you can get away with this
in Rome what with the church fathers and all, B.D., but I got to thinking about it and
realized they're probably your biggest customers, right?
Uploaded: 25,000 BC.
Handle: Gorp.
Location: A cave somewhere in France.
Title: Horsy.
Visitor Comments:
Gorp, my man, you ever hear of "paper"? Or "canvas"?
What's with this painting on the wall of a cave? You into some kind of weird performance
art or what? I suggest you take some time off, go kill a few sabre-tooths or something,
and re-think your whole approach to art (a couple of classes in basic drawing skills
wouldn't hurt either).
Uploaded: 2-24-1951.
Handle: Jack a.k.a. "The Long Island Drunk Hermit."
Location: The Hamptons.
Working Title: Sunflowers.
Visitor Comments:
Your so-called work makes me worry about America's future, LIDH. I have
never seen so much FILTH in one alleged "painting" in my life (and believe me,
I've looked at a lot). I count AT LEAST SEVEN penises, TWENTY-THREE engorged breasts,
NINETY-FOUR vaginas, and simply UNCOUNTABLE pubic hairs. After I got that far I refused to
look anymore, but I can well imagine there are some acts of fornication hiding in there
too, and not in the missionary position either! Shame, shame, shame. What do you think
your mother would say if she saw this???
Uploaded: Date is copyright-protected..
Handle: Tommy K.
Location: Location is copyright-protected.
Title: Title is copyright-protected.
Visitor Comments:
Thank goodness! At last PIK-chur comes up with a real MASTERPIECE! I know
that "Tommy K." has an army of young artists working for him who do the pictures
and he just adds a touch of light here and there so he can sign them and sell them in his
mall outlets for tens of thousands of dollars. But that doesn't matter because THIS is
what art is supposed to be!!! Realistic and uplifting, full of hope and family values and
firm belief in full-immersion baptism and the free-market economy!
END
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