Tasteless Jokes 102
by Staff of Magellan's Log
Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries
they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in
an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the
Queen of England."
One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an
accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the
Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was
high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour.
All I had left to work with was the horse's arse and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of
the United States."
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and
gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle
on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Q: What's two-feet tall and has a chimney?
A: A house in New Orleans.
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going
anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to
see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asks.
The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a
weedwhacker?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard, " replied the professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you
also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,
" said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't
wait to take that logic class!!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where
his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are you taking?" asks the friend.
"Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedwhacker?" asked the first redneck.
"No, " his friend replied.
"You're queer, aren't you?"
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and
felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The
guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an
internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with
one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,
whispering,"Dave, Dave, Dave, you're a vet".
A girl comes home from school...
"Mummy, today we did counting at school and all the other kids could only count up to
five but I could count to ten! Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"Yes, darling. It's because you're blonde."
The girl comes home from school the following day...
"Mummy! Guess what? Today we were doing the alphabet and all the other kids could
only go as far as 'g' but I went as far as 'm'. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"Yes darling, it's because you're blonde."
The girl comes home the day after that....
"Mummy, today we were doing gym and all the other girls had flat chests, but I had
these....", the girl pulls up her top to reveal a stunning set of 36D breasts....
"Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No, dear. It's because you're 25."
A young guy walks into a bar, plops down his money,
and orders 3 tequila shots.
The bartender asks "Whats the celebration?"
"My first blowjob!" the young man exclaims.
"Well I'll give you one more on the house then" the bartender says.
"No need" the young man says. "If three tequila shots can't kill the taste,
nothing can".
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the
moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation.
This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He
asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.
In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling
yourself".
One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All
excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is
surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horney and keen to
try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.
After a few minutes ‘slap and tickle’, they find themselves in the '69'
position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following
doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it
go?"
The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shat on my
face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands
in the air!"
The Polish air force has announced that it is to
take drastic action to help combat bird flu. Apparently they intend to bomb the Canary
Islands.
A city boy decided to quit the rat race and bought
himself a farm, which included a few sows. He wanted to breed the sows, but had no idea
how to go about it. His neighbour volunteered his boars for the job, and told the city boy
to bring them over in the pickup the next day. In the afternoon when he went to pick them
up, the city boy asked how he would be able to tell if the sows were impregnated. He was
told to look and see where they were early in the morning. If they were up on the hill,
they were pregnant; if they were in the sty, it hadn't worked. The next morning, he leapt
from the bed and looked up the hill, but alas the pigs were down in the mud. Grumbling, he
loaded them back into the pickup and headed for the neighbours. The following three
mornings were just the same; he would leap from the bed, look up the hill, find the pigs
down in the mud and have to return them to the neighbours to let the boars have another
shot at them. On the fifth morning, he looked up the hill, and there were no pigs. He
looked down in the sty; still no pigs. He called to his wife, "Where the hell are the
pigs today?" Amid hysterical laughter, she managed to choke out, "They're down
in the truck, and the big one is honking the horn!"
Ralph Nader, Al Gore and George W. Bush go to a
fitness spa for some fun. After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three decide to visit
the men’s room and they find a strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance who says;
"Welcome to the gentlemen’s room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a
mirror that, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be rewarded with
your wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the
mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The men quickly enter and upon finding the mirror, Ralph Nader steps up and says, "I
think I’m the most truthful of us three" and he suddenly finds the keys to a
brand new Bentley in his hands.
Al Gore steps up and says "I think I’m the most ambitious of us three" and
in an instant he was surrounded by a pile of money to fund his presidential campaign.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, George W. Bush looks into the
mirror and says, "I think --", and is promptly sucked into the mirror.
George Bush is seated in the oval office one
morning, reviewing the Iraq situation with his generals. The door opens, an aide walks
in... "Bad news I’m afraid ,Mr. President. We have just had word that three
Brazilian soldiers have been killed in Iraq"
President Bush drops to his knees and puts his face in his hands and starts sobbing. All
the assembled generals can hear from the president is a mumbled "Oh my God, oh my
God...."
Eventually, Bush looks up to Dick Cheney through teary eyes and asks....."Exactly how
many is a brazillion,Dick?"
His closest advisors come to visit George W. Bush at the
White House one evening and find him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They
are astonished since he had given up drinking years ago. When asked why he was off the
wagon, Dubya replies that he is celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. His advisors smile
and tell him that wasn’t much of an accomplishment. "Ah, but you’re wrong.
I did it in record time." When asked what that record was, he replies that he had
finished it after only 6 months. Again, they tell him that wasn’t that great.
"Oh yeah?" says the commander in chief, "Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!"
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under
his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for
the road."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the
other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
and were standing inthe lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
anhour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open
foyer."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes toa family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a
family inSpain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husbandthat she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds,"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
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