Magellan's Log: Do's and Don't's for 21st-Century Americans

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Do’s and Don’t’s
Understanding the New Rules
of Freedom of Expression
in 21st-Century America

Though, as our leaders continue to assure us, we still live in the "land of the free", it behooves all 21st-century Americans to understand that the constitutional ground has shifted since 9-11.

Yes, we are still free and we still enjoy all the freedoms guaranteed under the Bill of Rights, but, with the advent of the world’s largest database under the patriotic oversight of the National Security Agency as it screens our various communications for signs of incipient terrorism, real Americans must understand that "free" doesn’t mean quite the same thing that it meant in the more naïve years prior to 9-11.

As an aid in the on-going struggle to be good citizens, we have assembled a short list of do’s and don’t’s for the new era. We urge all readers to print this page and carry a copy with them at all times for quick and easy reference.

DON’T ever use the words "Bush" and "stupid" in the same message. Not even if you do it in two different sentences ("I think Bush is a great man! Osama bin Laden is just plain stupid!"). If you think the software that’s scanning all our emails and phone calls is smart enough to understand that you are not saying something demeaning about President Bush, we have some 1999 NASDAQ stock we’d like to sell you.

DO speak admiringly of the president, the vice president, and the secretary of defense in every phone call you make. This may become tedious for your communication partners, but a little tedium is a small price to pay to avoid a visit from the omniscient Men in Black.

DON’T place phone calls EVER, FOR ANY REASON to any person in the United States whose name sounds even vaguely Arabic. Here extreme caution is advised. Let’s say you have an old friend whose parents were admirers of Herman Melville and thus named their son "Ahab." You should immediately cease ALL electronic contact with this person.

DO, as often as possible, remind your correspondents and your phone partners of how much Exxon Mobil stock you own, how you feel Ken Lay got a really raw deal, and how you hope George Clooney gets acne. If you think the NSA is only screening for the obvious "War on Terror" words…

DON’T ever discuss any aspect of Arabic culture in a phone call or an email. If you think the NSA’s computers are going to understand that you just happen to love the poetry of Omar Khayyam, well, we’ve got a lot more old NASDAQ stock for you.

DO, in EVERY phone call and email, include at some point the phrases, "God bless America," and "God bless George W. Bush."

DON’T ever use the words "terror," "terrorist," or "terrorism in any of your written or spoken messages, even if you think the "war on terrorism" is the greatest thing since Woodrow Wilson’s "War to Make the World Safe for Democracy."

DO teach your children that it’s their right as free Americans to use "fuck", "shit", "motherfucker," "cocksucker," and similar terms of articulate self-expression as often as they like but only as long as they DON’T mention the names of any of our leaders in the same utterances.

DON’T ever set foot inside a Unitarian or Quaker so-called "house of worship" and other similar hang-outs of free thinkers and their ilk. If you think the NSA’s domestic spying is limited to phone calls and emails, please, please ask us about our NASDAQ stock.

DO avoid discussion on the phone and in emails of your attendance at and contributions to art museums, live theater, ballet performances, operas, and other such venues known to be the favorite gatherings places of potentially unpatriotic deviants.

DON’T ever mention in phone calls or emails how pleased you are that you own and drive a Prius and how resentful you are about Detroit’s continued pandering to the size-matters crowd.

DO speak disparagingly as often as possible in your emails and phone calls of 1) Massachusetts, 2) Stephen Colbert, 3) the New York Times, 4) Kurt Vonnegut, and 5) the Dixie Chicks.

DON’T ever rent from Blockbuster or purchase from Amazon any of the following DVD’s: "Brokeback Mountain," "Angels in America," "The Da Vinci Code," "Barbarella," or "Inherit the Wind." If you don’t understand why not, it’s probably extremely dangerous for you to continue living in 21st-century America and you might as well move to France now.

DO avoid visiting web-sites where thinking appears to be going on. In fact, as soon as you print this page, you’d be well-advised never to read Magellan’s Log again.

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