Quantum Effects in Daily Life
by Reppy Duart, D.D.

Early 20^th century physicists were puzzled by a strange phenomenon: They could pump energy into an atom with no visible effect. Pump-pump-pump. . . nothing. But if they continued pumping, suddenly, instantly, SPROING! an electron would jump from one orbit to the next higher orbit. Thinking about this in ways we don’t need to go into here, the physicists came up with a lot of complex equations to explain such odd behavior. They put these equations together in a nice new package and presented it to the world as Quantum Theory.

Years of observation have led me to the discovery that Quantum Theory also applies to the often troubling, sometimes baffling, events and behaviors of daily life. I have prepared a chart (below) to assist those unnecessarily challenged by quotidian encounters with the obstinacy of life as we live it.

How do you know if you are such a person? Generalizing, we may say that if, once or more often per day the thought crosses your mind, "What the fuck!?" or words to that effect, you are such a person.

Note: As the reader will see from the table, some events are non-quantum in nature. Which is to say, no matter how often they happen, no matter how you react, nothing changes. We call these events "Ultimate Recalcitrancies" (UR’s).

Table of Quantum Effects in Daily Life

Qauntum Event	Number of repetitions without noticeable change	Quantum change after the nth repetition
Unwanted, advertisement - filled faxes.	107.	Unplug fax machine; rely on e-mail.
Unwanted, advertisement - filled e-mail.	10,896	Cancel Internet subscription; return to paper mail.
Misdelivered paper mail.	31.	Purchase Uzi. Apply for employment at nearest post office.
Request that spouse roll toothpaste tube from end, not squeeze from middle.	2,427	Begin buying tubes of toothpaste in pairs.
Election of incompetent politicians.		None. This was the first identified UR (see explanation above), noticed initially in both Greece and China ca. 500 B.C.E. and possibly in Egypt as early as 3000 B.C.E.
Pick-ups and SUV’s with maladjusted headlights tail-gating at night on freeway.	58.	Purchase Dodge Ram pickup with 8-liter V-10. Attach 100,000 - candlepower spotlights to front bumper.
Television programs with vacuous content.		None. This was the second identified UR, noticed initially in Levittown ca. 1949.
"Host" at party asks you to smoke outside on the patio, and never mind the blizzard.	17.	Join Libertarian Party, but upon examining your new political bedfellows, quickly found your own party, called Primitive-Purist Ur-Marxism.
Chief holy person at your church / temple / mosque / synagogue blames the troubles of the world on women / gays / people of color.	5.	Move to Austin.
Have orgasm.		None. Researchers may well have noticed this UR in pre-historic times, but we of course have no record of their observations. Thus, dating of this UR is impossible.
Supervisor at work finds fault with your "interpersonal skills."	845.	Cash your 401K and move to Key West.
Neighbor constructs 10-foot fence, builds Polynesian pool, installs Bose outdoor speakers, has weekly nude luau’s.	1.	Purchase and distribute attack coral snakes along fence line.
Child’s homeroom teacher institutes brief, guided meditation period which she invariably ends by saying, "In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen."	1.	Purchase CNN Columbine documentary as instructional video for child.
Company in which you hold 10,000 shares reveals sweatshop conditions in its Micronesian factories.	14.	Switch shares to Ben and Jerry’s.
Ben and Jerry’s sells out to conglomerate.	1.	Sell Ben and Jerry’s shares; buy gold; bury in backyard, where it will be well-guarded by the attack coral snakes (see above).
Local newspaper supports troglodyte political candidates who speak in guttural sentence fragments.	2, 316.	Drop local subscription. Begin reading only NY Times.
NY Times supports troglodyte political candidates who speak in well-enunciated complete sentences.	7, 544.	Drop NY Times subscription. Deposit copy of Tao Te Ching on front lawn. At dawn each day tear out one page, bring in, and read over coffee.
Wake up each morning.	?	Get through the day; go to sleep. (Known in Quantum Theory as a "self-replicating singularity," which is polite Sciencespeak for "We don't have a clue about what's going on here.")

END

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