Tasteless Jokes 54

Q: Why don't Southern girls like orgies?
A: Too many thank you cards to write.

One Lap Around Texas
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor, Texas-style." The contestants will start in Dallas,travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, onto El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they'll continue to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a peace sign in the back window and a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!" The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

Bible Studies
Timmy was a little five-year-old boy that his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started kindergarten. So she walked him to school a couple of days; but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys." He protested loudly, but she had an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for a whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady seemed to be following them every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I know who she is."
The little friend said, "Well who is she?" "That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy said.
"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?"
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the psalm says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it."

Beyond Bram Stoker
Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine? "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"

Dangers of the Briney Deep
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female: "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. This they tried and, sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore. Enraged, the male whale told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore. At this point, he realized thefemale was becoming reluctant to follow him."Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".