Terrestrial short-comings
One night a flying saucer landed in the back yard of Tim and Ingrid of Pasadena, Texas. Two attractive aliens, one male and one female, emerged from the saucer and introduced themselves as Martians. They told their hosts they had come to planet Earth to conduct an experiment.

Tim asked, "What do you want from us?"

The experiment was research on having sex with Earthlings, the aliens replied. "Would you two like to assist us with or experiment?"

Tim and Ingrid thought it over and said okay. Tim took the female alien into one bedroom and Ingrid took the male alien into the other bedroom. After the male was undressed, Ingrid looked him over and started laughing. The alien asked what was so funny. Ingrid replied, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have laughed...It's just that you're not large enough to satisfy any woman on Earth!"

The alien replied, "No problem. Watch this." He grabbed his ears and his penis grew 10 inches.

With a smile, Ingrid exclaimed, "Now that's more like it!"

A few hours later, after the aliens had gone, Tim asked Ingrid, "Did you enjoy sex with the alien?"

"It was fantastic.", replied Ingrid. Ingrid asked, "How about you. Did you enjoy sex with the alien?"

Tim replied, "It was okay except she kept pulling my ears."

Can't eat just one
Guy goes to the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says "Hello, sir, what are you here for?" The man replies "Doc, for a week I have had an orange dick! It started scaring me so I came here." The doctor then asks him "What have you been doing all week?" The patient thought and replied "Just sitting around watching porn vids and eating Chee-Toes."

Whole Hog
Farmer Brown goes to market and buys several hogs to breed for things like ham and bacon to feed him and his wife. After a few weeks, it becomes apparent the female pigs are not getting pregnant, so he calls the local vet for help.

"Perhaps you should try artificial insemination," the vet advises.

Farmer Brown doesn't have the vaguest idea what "artificial insemination" is, but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he asks, "How will we know when they're pregnant?"

"Well, for one thing, they'll stop standing around and will, instead, begin to wallow in the mud."

"Thanks, Doc. Appreciate your time." The farmer hangs up and gives this some thought. "Hmmm…artificial insemination. He must mean I'm supposed to impregnate the pigs myself."

So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives deep into the woods, does each one in turn, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he awakens and looks out at the pigs. Seeing they are all still just standing around, he concludes the first try didn't take. Again he loads them back into the pickup, drives to the woods, does each pig twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just milling around.

One more try, he tells himself, and that's it! Into the pickup, and off to the woods again. He spends all day shagging the pigs, and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he is too spent to raise himself from the bed. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are just standing around.

"Nope." she says.

"Finally!" Farmer Brown says with an exhausted sigh.

His wife adds, "They're all in the truck and one of 'em is honkin' the horn."

Traveling salesman meets match
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he notices smoke coming out of the chimney and assumes that someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answers.

The old man squints. "What do you want?"

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or a place to sleep all that time. I would be most grateful if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."

The old man says, "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter." The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agrees, saying, "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning." The old Chinese man replies, "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests known to man." "OK, OK," the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

That night, when the man came down to eat, he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, he had spent many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather. They both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but they did keep the noise to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

Next morning the man awoke feeling a heavy weight. He opened his eyes and saw a huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "First Chinese Torture Test: 100-pound rock on your chest." "What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "Second Chinese Torture Test: Rock tied to right testicle." The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumped out the window after the rock. Outside the window was a third sign saying "Thirrd Chinese Torture Test: Left testicle tied to bedpost."

K-Y Chronicles, cont'd
It's a boring day in Super-hero City. Superman is very bored, so he goes up to Spiderman and says "Hey, Spidey, you want to go to the bar and play pool and have some drinks?". Spiderman replies "Sorry, Superman, I have to fix my webs because if I don't, no one will fight crime". Superman says "Yeah, I guess you are right," and he leaves.

Superman keeps on walking and walking and he sees Batman. He walks up to Batman and says, "Hey Batman, you want to go to the bar and drink or smoke some blunt or something?" Batman replies "Sorry, Sup, I have to fix my Batmobile or else no one will fight crime". Superman replies "Yeah I guess you are right," and leaves.

Superman then starts flying through Super-hero City and he looks through a window and sees Wonderwoman lying on the bed naked. Superman says to himself "Hey, I am as fast as a speeding bullet, so I will fly in there and fuck her so fast she won't even notice". So he does it. BICKETY BAM!!! He is in and out in ten seconds. Suddenly, Wonderwoman rolls over and says "Invisible Man, did you hear something?". Invisible Man replies "No. But my ass hurts like hell!!"

Oedipus, Jr.
One day a twelve year old walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string behind him, slaps a hundred-dollar bill on the counter and says, "I want one of your women."

The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "I want one of your women." The madam says, "OK, have a seat, she'll be down in about twenty minutes." He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "She has to have active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "Active herpes!" She responds, "OK, OK. Have a seat, it'll be about ten minutes."

Ten minutes later, a woman comes out, they go upstairs (with the boy dragging this dead frog) and take care of business. As the boy is leaving, the madam asks him, "I've got to know, why did you want someone with active herpes?"

The boy replies, "When I get home, I'm going to fuck the babysitter, and when mom and dad get home, dad will take the babysitter home and fuck her on the way. And when he gets back, he and mom are going to go upstairs and fuck. Tomorrow morning after dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and mom will fuck him, and he's the bastard that ran over my frog."

What about Dancer and Prancer?
A man walks into a bathroom and starts taking a leak. Next to him is an elf also taking a leak. He casually looks over and sneaks a peak and notices the elf's huge organ. He an't resist asking the elf how he got such a huge penis. The elf tells him he's one of Santa's helpers and Santa himself gave it to him.

The man asks the elf how he could get a penis like his. The elf explains that he could grant the man three wishes. So the man wishes for: 1. All the money in the world. "No problem," says the elf. 2. All the women in the world. "No problem," says the elf. 3. A dick as big as his.

The elf agrees to grant him his three wishes provided the man lets the elf fuck him in the ass. So the man thinks to himself, all the money, all the women, plus a huge dick, and he let's the elf have his way with him.

After the excruciatingly painful ordeal the man ask for his three wishes. The elf turns and says, "You imbecile, you still believe in Santa Claus?"

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