Are You an Outhouse Republican?

by Joel Fluker

First, there were the "Log Cabin" Republicans: males who found themselves philosophically attuned to Republican policies but who were gay. In a move that added new meaning to the saw about politics making strange bedfellows, these gay men, in forming the Log Cabin organization, announced to the world that no matter what they did with their penises they were, by God, real Republicans. The fact that their organization was greeted with less than great enthusiasm by non-gay real Republicans did not deter them.

It has occurred to us that the Grand Old Party might in fact be able to increase its numbers on several other fronts by embracing various groups whose members, except for this or that small behavioral difference, are in all significant ways Republican.

You, reader, may in fact find yourself in one of these conflicted minority categories. Here, then, a checklist to see just where you belong. If you answer "yes" to ANY of the questions below, you should begin now to re-think just where your political allegiances really lie.

Are you an Outhouse Republican?

YES  NO  1. I always wipe five times, and then once more for good measure.
YES  NO  2. I use at least eight panels of tissue for each wipe.
YES  NO  3. I wipe with my left hand only.
YES  NO  4. I never look down to check the results of my performance as I
                       stand up.
YES  NO  5. I spend at least 60 seconds washing my hands afterward.
YES  NO  6. When in a public facility, I never make eye contact with another
                       person though I may exchange a grunted acknowledgment of
                       their existence.

Are you a Unitarian Republican?

YES  NO  1. I attend a Unitarian church but I secretly believe that
                      Jesus was a white man who spoke an early, perhaps
                      Chaucerian, version of English.
YES  NO  2. I attend a Unitarian church and I make an annual
                      contribution to Amnesty International, but I share Tom
                      DeLay's view that the United Nations is a hotbed of
                      bleeding-heart, free-loading crypto-socialists.
YES  NO  3. I attend a Unitarian church and when forced to make a
                      public stand, I support gun control, but I do not reveal that
                      for me the phrase "gun control" means I keep my 24-unit
                      gun chest locked at all times.
YES  NO  4. I attend a Unitarian church and I publicly support a
                      woman's right to choose, but I do not reveal that I am in
                      fact referring to the marrying female's right to keep her
                      own last name or take that of her husband.
YES  NO  5. I attend a Unitarian church and I publicly support universal
                      health care, without explaining that for me "universal
                      health care" means "universal emergency health care,"
                      that is, access for all who have a valid major credit card
                      to the nearest available emergency room in case of accident.

Are you an Oreo Republican?
Note: This category is not restricted to persons of African-American extraction. It is more a state of mind than a state of body.

YES  NO  1. I admire Clarence Thomas and use him as a role model
                      for my children.
YES  NO  2. I cheered when O.J. walked out of that courtroom a free man.
YES  NO  3. I admire Antonin Scalia and use him as a role model for
                      my children.
YES  NO  4. Bill Cosby is my favorite comedian, whom I use as a role
                      model for my children.
YES  NO  5. I admire William Rehnquist and use him as a role model
                      for my children.
YES  NO  6. I have all of Nat King Cole's recordings.
YES  NO  7. I admire Katherine Harris and use her as a role model for
                      my children, partly because of her principled actions as
                      Florida secretary of state but mostly because of her
                      cosmetological savoir-faire.

END

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