Churchgoers' Delight:
Rate Your Religion!

by The Staff of Magellan's Log

1. My church
allows the mutilation of the genitals of children.
encourages the mutilation of the genitals of children.
requires the mutilation of the genitals of children.

2. My church
allows intolerance that passes for righteousness.*
encourages intolerance that passes for righteousness.*
requires intolerance that passes for righteousness.*
*Example of intolerance that passes for righteousness (in case this statement is not clear): "We love the sinner and hate the sin."

3. My church
allows a pastor to believe God speaks directly to him.
encourages a pastor to believe God speaks directly to him.
requires a pastor to believe God speaks directly to him.

4. My church
allows congregants to believe that God speaks directly to them.
encourages congregants to believe that God speaks directly to them.
requires congregants to believe that God speaks directly to them.

5. My church
allows obedience to church authority.
encourages obedience to church authority.
requires obedience to church authority.

6. My church
allows the belief that chemical or mechanical birth control is sinful.
encourages the belief that chemical or mechanical birth control is sinful.
requires the belief that chemical or mechanical birth control is sinful.

7. My church
allows lip-service to tolerance for other religions while knowing in
our hearts that only Christians can be saved.
encourages lip-service to tolerance for other religions while knowing in our hearts that only Christians can be saved.
requires lip-service to tolerance for other religions while knowing in our hearts that only Christians can be saved.

8. My church
allows the belief that we are living in End-times.
encourages the belief that we are living in End-times.
requires the belief that we are living in End-times.

9. My church
allows the belief that masturbation is sinful.
encourages the belief that masturbation is sinful.
requires the belief that masturbation is sinful.

10. My church
allows the belief that Republicans are generally closer to doing God’s will than are Democrats.
encourages the belief that Republicans are generally closer to doing God’s will than are Democrats.
requires the belief that Republicans are generally closer to doing God’s will than are Democrats.

11. My church
allows congregants to believe that the world was created roughly 6,000 years ago.
encourages congregants to believe that the world was created roughly 6,000 years ago.
requires congregants to believe that the world was created roughly 6,000 years ago.

12. My church
allows congregants to believe that as long as prayer and Bible-study are not part of the public schools this country is doomed.
encourages congregants to believe that as long as prayer and Bible-study are not part of the public schools this country is doomed.
requires congregants to believe that as long as prayer and Bible-study are not part of the public schools this country is doomed.

13. My church
allows the belief in the inerrancy of the Bible no matter what language it’s in or how many times it was translated.
encourages the belief in the inerrancy of the Bible no matter what language it’s in or how many times it was translated.
requires the belief in the inerrancy of the Bible no matter what language it’s in or how many times it was translated.

14. My church
allows the belief that all sexually active homosexuals are sinners.
encourages the belief that all sexually active homosexuals are sinners.
requires the belief that all sexually active homosexuals are sinners.

15. My church
allows its pastor to drive a car costing more that $40,000.
encourages its pastor to drive a car costing more that $40,000.
requires its pastor to drive a car costing more that $40,000.

16. My church
allowed as recently as the 19^th century the belief that humans with very dark skins were less than human.
encouraged as recently as the 19^th century the belief that humans with very dark skins were less than human.
required as recently as the 19^th century the belief that humans with very dark skins were less than human.

17. My church
allowed as recently as the 19^th century the belief that Jews were heathens.
encouraged as recently as the 19^th century the belief that Jews were heathens.
required as recently as the 19^th century the belief that Jews were heathens.

18. My church
allows the belief that only men can serve as pastors.
encourages the belief that only men can serve as pastors.
requires the belief that only men can serve as pastors.

19. My church
allows its pastor to live in a house with more than 2,500 square feet.
encourages its pastor to live in a house with more than 2,500 square feet.
requires its pastor to live in a house with more than 2,500 square feet.

20. My church
allows the belief that non-Christians after death either go to Hell or to some kind of non-Heavenly limbo.
encourages the belief that non-Christians after death either go to Hell or to some kind of non-Heavenly limbo.
requires the belief that non-Christians after death either go to Hell or to some kind of non-Heavenly limbo.

Special, Complicated Bonus Question:
My church
would allow the belief that the maker of this test wishes you the churchgoer ill when in fact he only wishes you to stop supporting and doing ill and calling it good.
would encourage the belief that the maker of this test wishes you the churchgoer ill when in fact he only wishes you to stop supporting and doing ill and calling it good.
would require the belief that the maker of this test wishes you the churchgoer ill when in fact he only wishes you to stop supporting and doing ill and calling it good.

Evaluation of Test Results

How many pious smiley faces did you score?

50-63:
John Calvin, Martin Luther, St. Paul, or (as the case may be) Savonarola would be proud. You are truly a high-level, extremely judgmental practicing Christian of the oldest, most intemperate, unforgiving, non-compassionate sort. Keep up the good work.

40-49:
Uh-oh. Clear slippage is visible here. How long HAS it been since you or your congregation harshly chastised a sinner in your midst or one known through the media? It’s not too late. Start memorizing those Pauline strictures today!

30-39:
Danger, danger! You probably voted for Jimmy Carter and actually considered voting for Bill Clinton. Stop now and look at the palms of your hands. Do you not see that tiny hairs sprouting there? Woe unto you!