"Is the voyage worth making that
does not enhance awareness of our shared humanity?"
Les Heures du Mal
Leçons de Ténèbres
P - - - - y
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"Giving well is the best
The (Saddle)Back Story
Our editor is interviewed about the background of
our most popular columnist. Not Safe for Work, or for sensitive Republican ears.
Farewell to the Chief!
Ora Shay's Last Column
Our token Republican, overcome by domestic regime change, lays down her barbed
quill as she bids adieu to the leader who
gave us Abu Ghraib, water-boarding, the end of habeas corpus, Katrina, Guantanamo, the
Crash of 2008, and all that.
Tasteless But Extremely
If there's a more finely crafted--or
funnier--collection of five-liners anywhere, we haven't found it.
The MLMPI. In our on-going effort to improve things
sanity-wise, it occurred to us it's way past time for an updated, streamlined version of
the creaky old Minnesota Multi-phasic Personality Inventory test, which we now present: the Magellan's Log Multi-phasic Personality Inventory
Test. Some may call it satire, but that only shows how great the need is for
our new version.
Is Masturbation a Crime Against God?
Read the first draft of a Christian
advice-giver's thoughts on self-abuse and then decide.
Discovered in Mexico!!! A Magellan's Log World Scoop
An anonymous correspondent sends us a shocking, offensive, heretical photograph which, he
alleges, shows huge UFO graffiti on a high
Rio Grande cliff.
WHERE THE UNIVERSE ENDS!!!
Magellan's Log is thrilled to confirm comedian Lewis Black's epochal discovery of
the very place where existence as we know it STOPS. See our photographic proof here!
Our own modest proposal to aid the War on Terrorism.
Problems of Modern Sexuality.
24 photos indicating that erectile dysfunction may be the least of our
Yes, we've done it. We have found the solution. To everything. Where? On the streets of
(you ready?) Bratislava. Don't believe us? Take a
Is Your Nation's Leader an Extra-terrestrial in
Disguise? Maurice Fitznuggly offer suggestions..
and All That.
A calendar celebrating the 25th anniversary of the American Empire.
The Magellan's Log Universal
No matter the situation--in the weekly worship service, preparing the boys for war, or
just asking for blessings before a meal, you never need be at a loss for words
again. Just fill in the blanks in
our one-size-fits-all prayer and a direct line to [insert residence of your deity]
______ will open for you and yours!
Problems, Problems. Humor editor Jerden Purmort has been out scouring the
Internet once again for photos to make you laugh (or cry). He's found 39.
More Stuff to Laugh About >>
Ten Tips for Tumultuous Times
Ora's back! After months of silence involving finding just the right dosage to
deal with her midlife depression, our ever-popular token Republican returns with ten suggestions for dealing with life in this difficult
It's not your father's America. It's not your America any longer. It's their
America, and they're killing it. We stopped writing funny stuff months ago. Why? Because
this government has taken us way, way beyond
laughter into the territory of tyranny.
America the Disjunctive: Musings on Alienated
by Jason Twinhaft.
for Membership in the American Empire.
Another of our world scoops, freshly smuggled out of the Pentagon.
Magellan's Log is proud to honor, nay, to immortalize the leaders of the new American
Empire in sculpture and painting. Slideshow with
More Imperial Musings
A Note re Music
Several hundred of our pages contain embedded music files (you are always
warned). Low-tech and low-bandwidth prodcution that we are, most of those pages still
require Internet Explorer to hear the music. We are slowly changing the coding so they'll
work with all browers. Please forgive us our Microsoft trespasses...
New Musics: Celebratory Field Notes Toward a Better World.
Douglas Milburn explores the wide world of web-label music. It's all free and legal. As
with any human endeavor, 99% of it is garbage. But the other 1% has our editor shouting
Ballade for a Piano. How two
miracle- workers in Pasadena, Texas, gave a gift of
music to the 21st century--and beyond. With photographs.
Notes toward an autobiography. Douglas Milburn. With midi.
The Franz Liszt Jukebox.
More Music >>
Forty years after its first appearance, we return to Aldous Huxley's utopia. Fragile and
idealistic, it is, given what humanity's been up to
lately, aging well.
That old-, old-, old-time religion. Sort of. 38 hymns, with midis and words that
a lot of "Christians" won't like but others will.
Douglas Milburn takes us on a mind trip, using good words from across the ages to get at a
certain stillness which, he argues, we all carry with us all the time but which we often
forget about. It's a turn-of-the-millennium approach to meditation that we haven't seen
the likes of anywhere: Saltlick.
La vida un sueño.
Zen Centerfold 98.
You gotta s-m-i-l-e.
The World's Fastest Bach.
Pack Up Your Troubles.
One Path? Many Paths?
1. Penises on Parade. (Go figure.)
2. Germans R Us.
4. Best Midi's.
6. Johnny Got His Gun.
7. Ora Shay, Token Republican.
8. Bye-bye, Best Products.
9. Myra Lives!
10. Is Masturbation a Sin Against God?
Time Travel! Read
shocking fragments from a 42nd-century encyclopedia.
Montages de l'Empire. 25 good ol' songs and
The Texas Tao.
Ten Words. Anyone for fiction?
MLMPI. The Magellan's Log
Multi-phasic Personality Inventory Test.
Send this page to a friend.
We love to get
from our readers!
How what happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963, didn't stay in Dallas
but released a poison that spread throughout
[The mysterious] is the source of all true
art and science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder
and stand wrapt in awe, is as good as dead.
The Rainbow Bird
"Great solace, and a great
Dire decades need strong songs. An audio-visual clearing in the information
wilderness. A musical breath of smog-free air. Enough of metaphors. Just listen to the
song: slideshow with midi (6:22).
Oops! The Eternal
Adolescence of the American Mind. Oh boy.
Here goes our rambunctious editor again, out on a limb, up on cloud nine, thinking to
explain America, which everybody except our editor now
realizes is simply inexplicable.
The Healing of America
In here, despair? Well. Out yonder--and
nowhere else-- lies hope.
The Last Illusion
Think you're at the end of your rope? Try
Timothy Leary--Warts and All
Here goes our ontologist-in-residence, Astraeu Chakar, getting after the blindered reviews of the first
biography of the so-called Pied Piper of the drug culture.
The 17the Hole at Sawgrass. Political Editor Lulu Dilworth,
using golf as metaphor, finds surprising hope
re the much-abused American electorate in these troubled times.
Bye-bye, Best Products.
Diebold Essen fondly recalls one of the iconic buildings of the second half of the 20th
century, then makes a visit to see how it's doing. Story plus panoramic photo.
Four centuries ago, our namesake, Magellan did his part to expand the concept of
"tripping." Charles Hayes has now done his part, gathering 50 first-person
reports from a wide range of psychedelic travelers. Book
review by Reppy Duart, D.D.
R Us. Temple Duciel casts a thoughtful
eye on a troubled and troubling Germany, and wonders if anybody's paid attention to
what happened after 1945.
Easy Choices/Hard Choices
Harriet Lobdell, our epidermal semiotics editor, puts in a rare appearance. She has found
a small, overlooked movie that carries her on
gossamerest wings into unexpected realms of appreciation.
The Fly-bottle and I.
Douglas Milburn, soberly and with dangerously little irony, re-visits his distant home on the metaphyical range, where
words end. Sort of.
Delight in Death.
Tip-toeing along the edge of the abyss. Misadventures from a government run by a whole
bunch of Dr. Strangeloves.
Cars & Crystal Balls.
Pedkop Bumbera. Reading the future by looking at cars.
Jack Xamis, Ph.D. A new word for the disease eating at the heart of
Chaos and Comity.
Douglas Milburn speculates fairly wildly in the direction of what he, either far-sighted
or myopic, calls a meteorology of
The Cyber-puritan Manifesto.
How to Change the 21st Century in 20 Easy Steps.
More Stuff to Think About >>
Ah Swan! How Southern Are You Anyway?
How 21st Century Are You?
Maurice Fitznuggly's checklist for the cyber-insecure.
S.U.V. Driving Test.
You Are What You Believe.
Maurice Fitznuggly's self-help test re systems of belief.
Chardo Blue Plains. Timely tips on disappearing..
Three wee sentences to help with today's synaptic re-wiring. You're
More Self-help >>
Stop Me If You've Heard This One
Somewhat immodestly, our editor in chief comes up with a whopper of a conspiracy
theory. Is his tongue in his cheek? You decide.
Relentless Pursuit of Ragged Perfection
Five notes on the lack of genius in the current age, by Ceci Lumley. Our
cartography editor has a go at false gods
of false greatness and other impeities of the present era.
Sixty-three quatrains on twelve sheets of vellum
dated 1878 found at the bottom of San Solomon Spring, Balmorhea, Texas, in 2007.
Now we've really done it. A bored staff revolts, demanding CREATIVE assignments
from the editor. Result: 19 movie pitches.
How desperate are we? Figure out this
little conundrum and find out.
Zen Centerfold 112
Another of our lovely little skirmishes with the mind-body problem. Slideshow with midi (3:43).
The Magellan's Log Cyber-Delphic Oracle
and Feel-good Machine.
In (almost) every issue:
Hot Links 104. Our latest collection of
Kulchur Kwotient. Trivia quiz.
Jokes. 5-star tasteless jokes.
Roll of the Dice. Click here to be whisked to a
random page in the archives.
More Play >>
Edward FitzGerald's effective, if highly ambiguous, antidote to the
madness of whatever era you happen to find yourself in.
Texas Zen Hymnbook.
Take some great old hymn tunes, put new words with them, and out comes a gusher of hope.
Against Sepsis in a Time of Contagion
The doctor says, "Take twelve minutes of
Bach and a hundred square meters of stained glass and call me in the morning..."
"Nobody with a good car ever has to
--Flannery O'Conner, Wise Blood.
More Sustenance >>
The Truth About Magellan's Log
In which an unnamed staffer comes pretty
close to spilling the beans.
How Far Is It to the Next Lascaux?
Old art, new art, and future art...
12 13 14 15 Best Things to Do in
America (and the 10 Worst Also).
Ceci Lumley's guide to America for the discriminating traveller.
1. For new stuff, click here for a list of the
most recent articles.
2. If youre just browsing, try the topic index above or the Site Map.
3. If youre looking for something specific, use the
site search at the upper-right corner of the page.
4. Those of a more academic or historicist bent might choose to read chronologically,
by issue or even by article (click here to go to a listing of all
articles in reverse chronological order).
5. The wheat is separated from the chaff on our best-of pages (3 buttons at the top of the
6. Finally, you can read randomly. Click
here and youre whisked to a page chosen by the cyber gods of chance.
In another move sure to alienate all but the most curious
readers, management has given the entire staff indefinite time off, leaving Douglas
Milburn free to do a Dickens, publishing serially "Leçons de Ténèbres." The
book, with the unhelpful subtitle, "Voluntaries from the Invisibles," has been
appearing in monthly parts since October, 2008. It starts here.
Anthropology 452: Puzzling Sexual
How Long Is It Anyway?
Piongo Pisgah's paradigm-breaking formula for calculating the length of you-know-what
before you commit yourself.
Penises on Parade.
The staff passes on its trove of tasteless "phallic-humor" photos from the
Internet. Sigh. Penises on Parade, Part the Second.
20 more photos of phallic humor.
More Sex >>
And Those Who Dote on Them
A Brief Guide to Wrong Thinking in the 21st Century. Somewhere tonight the severely muddled are
tossing and turning.
Missa Longa, Vita Brevis
Lo, our non-inerrant doctor of divinity, Reppy Duart, comes forth
with what he modestly calls "a simple
solution to the Christian problem."
Elinor Hoefs lets fly at what she
calls the deathbook industry. Not stuff
for the faint of heart nor the myopic of faith.
Buy a piano and the next thing you know, it takes over your life. A review of Perri Knize's unique, inspiring Grand
Meanwhile, Back at the Louvre...
One of our roving correspondents checks checks in with an update from the world
of Extremely High Art. Slideshow
with midi (1:59).
The Funniest Book of the 21st Century... So Far
Is It Empire
The Official Magellans Log Workbook and Guide to Success in
the New World Order.
ISBN 0-9767821-3-8. Paperback 8.5 x 11", 128 pp.
Take one faux Texan running amok in Washington, add an
oil-addicted world, throw in a bunch of suicidal terrorists, stage it all on a
planet with a grievously wounded environment, and what do you do?
Douglas Milburn responded with Internet satire. For six years in his improbably
popular on-line magazine, Magellans Log, hes been skewering the high,
parodying the mighty, and generally pointing out how the kings new clothes are,
Texas Chapbook Press has gathered the best of Milburns satire in one hilarious
volume, which, immodestly, we think is the funniest book of the 21st century (so far).
Check out the Table of Contents HERE.
Or at amazon.com:
Is It Empire Yet?
How sure are we that this is a really funny book? If you don't get more laughs per dollar
from Is It Empire Yet? than from any other purchase you've made this year, just let us know and we'll cheerfully refund
your money (you don't even have to send the book back!).
Adventures of Wusser Britches, The Worlds Most Independent Cat
The unvarnished truth behind feline Realpolitik,
revealed at last.
Cassandra, our in-house prophet, has her voice back and lets the Boomers know they may be
fooling each other but they're not fooling their
A pianistic shaman from the Ukraine
brings hope in troubled times. If your heart needs mending, or maybe a bit of potent
sustenance, we've got just the musical fixer-upper
for you from the fingers of Valentina Lisitsa...
Les Heures du Mal
Centuries ago people had artists create small "books of hours" filled with words
and pictures of hope and sustenance. We've digitally updated the idea. Free of charge.
Only for the truly metaphysically needy, who after all have the attention span
that comes with years of seeking: Saltlick (a guide to
meditation), The Texas Zen Hymnbook (a
multi-media source of considerable sustenance), Montages
de l'empire (a multi-media summation of America), Les Heures du mal (a book of
hours for the 21st century), Tree Talks (p----y and
What happens when our media dept. puts some 300-year-old music together with some
succinct comments re America from the editorial dept. Slideshow with midi (6:48).
Cassandra, our prophetess doomed to make accurate predictions that are never heeded,
returns for a few words re the post-Bush
Century Sexuality: An Informal Update.
Our staff, ever with their fingers on the pulse of the times so to speak, has assembled 36
Internet photos that reveal how things
are hanging so to speak sex-wise in these early days of the 3rd millennium so to speak.
Home Sweet Home.
Ora Shay, our token Republican, on the restoration of the George W. Bush boyhood
home in Midland, Texas.
Ora Shay explains her optimism in her own inimitable, take-no-prisoners Midland-Texas
fashion. Or, as she might say, it's a real sidewinder.
Ora Shaysounds off patriotically with a piece that she calls "S.A.A.F.J: A Tale of Henry Kissinger and My Favorite Fly
A Day in Pennsylvania:
Nicholas Momurray's Frank Lloyd Wright pilgrimage has an unexpected
ending. Commentary with 2 slide shows.
We Rate 'Em.
Izora Firelands explores the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
Peaks of Otter.
A 23-part report from a meandering trip to a little bit of Eden in the mountains of
More Travel >>
Treasure at the Click
of Your Mouse!
Books & CDs
"Giving well is the best revenge."
Because of reader demand, we have reverted to the 20th century. Remember ink?
Remember paper. Gifts for yourself, and for any of your friends who are still awake and
thinking. Books (and a couple of CDs) drawn from the sometimes boistrous, sometimes
beautiful pages of Magellan's Log. Click here for more info.
DIY meditation hints.
A limited print-run of signed images from Issue 70, Montages de l'empire, is
now available. Click here for more
information about this unique opportunity for far-sighted collectors of cyber-art.
best money-making advice, staff members persist in occasional outbursts of what they refer
to as "p----y" (even they can't call it by name). I keep telling them: The
path to penury is paved with p----y. Do they listen? No. All I can do is alert
the unwary reader with the little death's head, which in this context means: Warning!
P----y Ahead! Here, for example.